Dream Dark Stories

Tag: life

  • Day Forty-Four, February 13th, 2024

    Hello and Hi-ho

    Start of the week, it comes with lots of editing comes with lots of writing comes with a lot of research especially for school right now, so I’m grinding grinding with as much information as possible as much knowledge as possible and I’m trying to do what I can to make sure that the $180 plus pages that we have for the Memoirs are at least more than halfway done, the momentum is good I’m feeling positive. I’m feeling really positive, more than positive and I’m really looking forward to my brother getting back to me wanting a second pair of eyes and I’m excited I’m genuinely excited and I don’t know about Sharon here but maybe maybe I’ll get the balls and share with the public I guess I’d have to ask John though since we haven’t finished or published don’t want anybody taking my friend’s story and try to pay it as their own.

    Side note that was a rant I was just the dump I guess, haha yeah we’ll call it the dump.

    But for Valentine’s Day I got the Lego Tranquil Garden for her. She has all the other botanicals, those I’ve been getting for her since they started dropping that line. I think one of the things I forget is the similarities though the differences are Grand the similarities we get to share her and I both have an affinity for Lego collecting and specific sets specific types. It makes for the hunts and the sharing of gifts for each other, It’s made It very very enjoyable and I hope she knows that it’s one of the favorite things about us together. And it’s not the Lego set that makes it special it’s the fact that it’s something I’ve liked since I was a kid, and it’s become something that I get to share with her and she gets to share with me.

    I’m also making a poly clay tea bag home, she saw a picture and said “oooh make that for me” and I’m trying I got the body finished I need glue actually. I need good glue I have some e6000 I hope that will work.

    So I think that has me looking at a list of: a completing a piece of clay works, a watercolor for my friend John, a story ‘Stuck’ which comes with an acrylic painting that I’m doing, to school projects,  a news story and a News l script.

    I’ll let you know how everything is finished going to try to at least drop a photo or two of the projects and production tomorrow, maybe the 15th since Valentine’s Day calls for more attention to love.

    C’est la vie

    Good night good morning,good morning and very much a good night.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Forty-Three, February 12th, 2024

    Hi-ho and hello

    My nights are my favorite time of the day, do I do appreciate the mornings I appreciate the fresh air especially when it gets a little warmer in the morning the Sun comes and you can feel the dew in the late spring, but regardless of rain snow whatever the weather there’s something about the darkness that I find it easy to escape.

    It’s not that I’m trying to escape from the darkness it’s walking away from the stress, the worry, and the dull monotony that we get used to. It’s not that I call for drama, it’s the repetitive drum of the ringing that has me fleeing.

    I feel bored with the tasks that are brought to me within work. Outside of work, the callings are toward painting, to edit, to write, and to create. Even while I deal with the humdrum of work, my gloves are on pressing and prying clay, there’s a canvas and paints at my finger tips, editing these posts, and the memoirs. But…there comes another call. “Thank you for calling Arizona Urology, my name is blah…bleh…ble…bl.”

    I want to be here, be at the computer, my papers, books, those pens, post its, and highlighters, while not being watched by big brother or ‘the company’. Then the questions strike my head like lightning, and I ponder, how many paintings? How many posts? Drops? How many views do I accrue to make enough that I can leave ‘the company?’ saying “baby bye bye” while shrugging it off knowing I can do more, can do better, just not here.S

    Segway

    How many hours does one need to function? I’ve been up since 5:29a.m. this morning. I’m not wanting to go to bed, but there’s that knowing the haunting darkness of sleep, pounding at the door of your eyelids wishing for a darkness to settle down the night.

    Hahahaha wow, apparently I fell asleep writing this. Anyhow, the days become longer, my beard more gray, my patience thinning, and I’m on my way to tomorrow.

    C’est la vie

    Good morning good morning and good night, a glorious good night and good morning.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Forty, February 9th, 2024

    Hello, Hi-ho

    Definitely a late post, and definitely a late drop my apologies.

    Welp, who can say they enjoy the doom-scrolling. Yeah it gives us something to do, something to fret over, find concern with, wanting to address the urgency to another…but how many of us go to the streaming platforms instead and absolve those worries and the daunting damnation we see brewing everywhere?

    So… I’m taking every moment that I can to enjoy the little things. Whether that mean a movie with my family 15 minutes of painting 10 minutes of a show 30 minutes of a song or music or what have you I’m going to enjoy because life’s too f****** short right?

    Today my wife and I decided hell yeah we love each other, hell yeah we appreciate one another, why not let us go have some fun and we went to Red Lobster with our son. I get it doesn’t come off like somewhere fancy, to some it is to some it isn’t to my wife and i, if it’s somewhere where we can have our son the nonverbal kid with autism who doesn’t pick on cues depending on the circumstances, you bet your damn ass Red lobster was the place for us.  We met some pretty cool people at Red lobster as a matter of fact, we enjoyed ourselves and what with tax season on its way I think we’re going to be doing this a little bit more often. Plus I have a feeling life is going to be turning around on the brighter side and I don’t think I’m shying away from that.

    Anyhow it’s late I got to edit for the next day and try to get an early jump on my Sunday editing for that drop so I’m out tonight.

    C’est la vie

    Good night and good morning, good morning and good night.

    Thank you all for continuing to read liking and hopefully jumping in on following.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Thirty-Nine, February 8th, 2024

    Hello and Hi-ho

    If it’s not apparent, I work from home, and boy do I loathe the bs that becomes the monotonous drawl of what becomes typical.

    Thing is I mentioned the disability, due to not wanting to have to address it later. I mentioned maybe needing part-time availability but not to an egregious point just to help with appointments, scheduled CT scans and what have you. It got a bit hectic and nearly weekly needing to get some infusion issues addressed and the likes that came with it…to be expected, at least, so I thought.

    Well I thought damn wrong. This is the first time I’ve been having a sneaking feeling that I’m being pushed out, my lunches are set far after the six hr threshold and they state a break should hold me down, should be enough. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but there’s a principle to it, the initiative of following laws and respecting people and their differences. Maybe there is a self-righteous aire to what I’m saying but, maybe, and please, comment back if you feel the need, is it so arrogant to request a respect for us being human, acknowledging that we each feel, sense, and are ourselves and with that come as an original slice of the whole. If we can see us to be the same yet different, can’t we respect ones predilections for work, rest, break, or fun?

    It’s like ‘guilty pleasures‘, what makes it guilty? There’s the argument of rights and wrongs, to which I’m the side of if there’s light, an altruistic and philanthropic nature, it makes sense of it being right. If there’s a violence against humanity, animals or otherwise, my view is it’s wrong. But where did the guilt come into play? Why is an engorging on Little Debbie’s a guilty pleasure, or enraged hip-hop after work, smoking, and drinking, where did the guilt get pushed, isn’t that a joy, something that we take as a breath of fresh air, a releasing of serotonin to a degree. And as I mention the above references, it calls for the adult and appropriate judgment to what is enough and how much can be too much.

    If I choose to smoke a joint, it’ll be a third, not the whole, a drink it’d be a glass not a neck, it’s all in moderation right?

    I’ve been guilty of being sloshed, Shitass McGee stupid and not knowing, thankfully I’ve grown, realized my limits and the caps I take heed to. I take the accountability, luckily, I feel that I have the tools to make what’s been done into growth and change. At times I feel that’s all we have, whether you’re an adult, teen, or an elder, it’s in what we strive for and how we take the steps to gain it. In only this way can we find a solace that is forever fleeting, least it feels that it gets closer still

    C’est la vie

    Goodnight and good morning, good morning and goodnight.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Thirty-Five, February 4th, 2024

    Hello and hi-ho.

    I took my Sunday, not a Sabbath of a day in the sense of religious altruism or dedication an hour or two to a sermon, but a dedicated day to my spouse.

    Made sure she had a feast and cooked meal all meals through the day and made sure dessert and each but was magnefique l. Luckily she’s a meat a potatoe kind of pallet so a good variety of garlic onion and salt tends to please.

    And that’s what I did minus the occasional micromanaging of the Wolf and Shih Tzu Terrier in the back yard and maybe a popsicle break for the little one.

    What I tried to do for one day of my fist 35 days was being 100% present with my wife and my boy.

    I’d like to know what she’d say. My wife has a peculiar way of showing her love and relaying the whole of the relationship we share.

    Would I be considered the jerk or the guy trying to hard. Or maybe someone just trying to leave a light flickering at the least?

    It is what it is I’m going to try not to call the kettle black but I don’t know I just roll with the motion and try not to fall right?

    C’est la vie Sunday was a good day

    Good morning and good night, good night and good morning.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Thirty-Four, February 3rd, 2024

    Hi-ho and hello.

    Ever just Zone-Out? I hate it when it happens, it’s like getting trapped, the mind though not blank, grasping at what’s there is like chasing a wish down a hall nearing darkness but every step it gets just a little further out of reach.

    I’m not an editor, but then again I am, today, and yes I mean the third of February, how to sit down with the gentleman that I am doing the Memoirs for, honestly it’s it’s an honor and a massive privilege to have the opportunity that he’s given me given that this guy went from well one being born same time it was advisor was released two being a part of Ball & Co. Aeronautics, NASA and for the growth that was issued after some other things that happened in his life.

    So what’s been happening is I issue some inquiries, I issue some journalistic kind of interview questionnaires through and through we’ve had a few we’ve been building up honestly a really good friendship the last year and it’s been a gracing time.

    But to be honest I’m a bit nervous I’m nervous that I won’t be able to provide correctly or I’ll flub up something that shouldn’t be done, I’m saying i hope i’ll be able to offer what’s expected and I’ll not be shooting low when I should be shooting high, I’m nervous but at the same time I’m more than excited because I’ve always wanted the opportunity to write and it’s funny to find that an opportunity that I get to write I’m not getting to write sci-fi I’m not getting to write the more wider fictional variety that I love to read and I like to take an attempt one, two, or 30 times in the blogging that I’ve done since I started this.

    To which a side note is called for: for anybody who is following and liking I do plan on dropping revised versions of anything I have already published on my blogspace, there’s just been a lot and I want to kind of regain focus and kind of turn on the the right openings to have the stories that I do have already in production already somewhat halfway maybe partly produced I want to make them whole and I that will be happening I just I’m also trying to balance work school and everything else.

    This is different, I’m invested, we’ve become close and I see him more and more as a friend and a member of my family. But I know this calls for research, but then again does it, these are his words, so my goal is to make sure that I do him proud I honor the man as best as I possibly can so my cousin, his love, and his children, and grandbabies can understand that you can have amazing Fortune by being a genuine and good person.

    So that’s the thing I’m trying to figure out how to do the Pomodoro technique but a variation. Thing is how do I write, edit and write, paint, any type of art act, school, parenting, and being a productive partner in my marriage? There’s a way. I know there is, but how much time for myself do I call for before being considered a d***?

    I’ll let you know how week one goes for the project, the editing, and my wonky not pomodoro but pomodoro technique.

    Hello good night, good night and hello.

    C’est la vie

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Thirty-Three, February 2nd, 2024

    Hello and hello.

    Back to a day of mine continued. Check previous post Day Thirty-Two.

    12:00 p.m. – I’ve already clocked in, at least that is if Calabrio isn’t mucked up, little man is set, water refilled, PlayStation controller charged and likely in his hands. I’m usually dealing with two to five calls an hour now, this giving me ample moments of bliss, continued doodling and sketching plans for what will be painted. The dogs are usually out again, if good weather is available, then yes.

    12:30 p.m. – Now, this is about the time I go through the daily itinerary of my Memento Mori quotes, breathing works, and personal journaling. What’s also done and checked a few times from morning to now is my Passion Planner which I use for detailing my plans, outlining painting projects, writing projects and school goals.

    1:00 p.m. – little man starts to get restless, knowing the usual VTO I sign up for is close to being issued, he raps at my office door, jingles the door knob, and kicks with a fury of ten of him. I strain and tighten my neck knowing if I take a second it could be me choosing family over work and they watch.

    Segway: I liked the company from the get-go, and have enjoyed the promises of understanding the need for family time and the importance of being involved. Upon my first and second interview I offered my relinquishing of my MS difficulties, my being the stay at home parent for our child with Autism who’s nonverbal and needs 24/7 surveillance by his parents. They were cordial, understanding and inviting. The more I work, the more I see that’s not the case. Bad enough I have to lock the door and seal it where I can barely hear the chaos that may unravel outside of the office. My hair is graying quickly.

    2:00 p.m – VTO is usually issued now, the little one screams with a smile and shifts on the coach expecting me to sit down. I take the dogs out first if they’re not already out, grab a large drink of water, and take a walkthrough the house while I list the things I need to either finish, start, or avoid.

    2:30 p.m. – the list is simple, do the dishes, sweep, mop, tidy, clear counter space, do homework, study, and prep dinner.

    3:00 p.m. – the biggest thing I do for myself though, knowing the plan is for the house and family afterward is the music. I stack the five UE speakers either in the kitchen or living room and let it ring. If cooking is on the agenda I start the simple prep that likely takes minutes sometimes a half hour. If not that, I’m painting, bringing out canvas unfinished, doodled on, or something blank and needing color. The music invigorates the artistic splendor and I create whether with words, paint, clay, or the markers.

    3:30 p.m. – the music is still belting my favorites, little man likely is singing and in the kitchen either watching the paint being splashed and spread on the canvas or agitated as I write and ask him to be quiet just a little longer. If the oven is being used this is usually when I turn it on.

    4:00 p.m. – the Mrs occasionally throws me a likely time she’ll be home for supper and with this issuing of a gentle alert I wrap up whatever it is I’m doing and get to my kitchen tasks. The music is usually still playing, sometimes a show, other times it’s a podcast, an audiobook or the droning on and on of my son’s favorite show, or movie.

    4:30 p.m. – she’ll be home within thirty and now the veggies are either sliced, diced, or chopped, meats seasoned and water boiling. I go through my usually steps and grill this, oven roast those, boil these, and voila.

    5:00 p.m. – Dinner time, we eat, she shares the trivializing escapades of her third graders and the annoyance of some the joys of others and the less than friendly staff that don’t communicate, she revels in the cooking, and shortly give or take 15-25 minutes we’re done, she’s sitting in the living room and if any outings are to be done we wait theory minutes til then

    5:30 p.m. – depending on mood, needs, and whatever else comes up prior to going anywhere else I clear the table, do the dishes and tidy the kitchen. Some days are better than others, it’s like these posts, some are on time, some nearing late, some too late. C’est la vie

    6:00 p.m. – if no outing, no plan, I take little man outside for some time with the dogs, a popsicle or two for my boy and I write, I listen to my music and play with the doggos or talk to my son. Sometimes he’s interested, other times he could care less, the occasional chest pat, which covers please, thank you, yes, no, even maybe is used at times, deciphering what it means each pat is learned through knowing him. But knowing I can do backyard cleaning, I put it off, waiting for the warmer days and I walk around, still the music is playing and I know we likely have Young Sheldon plans with momma after he finishes his last Popsicle.

    7:00 p.m. – at this time we watch our shows, given the recent SAG-AFTRA strike there is little to be had, though it has left us on a hunt, knowing we appreciate Garland Coben we’ve watched all of his Netflix series’, the Amazon one or two, almost all of You g Sheldon, and Found with Mark-Paul Gosselaar, oh and the trust but that’s due to us following Gaspar on IG.

    8:00 p.m. – we give our little man some time to show us his shows, he usually gets a half hour sometimes an hour while we do our separate things, she scrolls and whatever else, I write, sometimes depending on circumstances or inspiration I bring a canvas in, show her wanting feedback, there’s little and either paint more or start another daily post for this.

    9:00 p.m. – it’s bed time for the little one, the Mrs is getting sleepy, and we usually have a movie plan. We get the little guy cleaned up for bed and tuck him in, I run outside and grab the doggos who run in with glee and give them some love before they run back to their room. We then discuss what we’re watching, finally decide upon one of the many options and try to get through at least half of a film.

    10:00 p.m. – I write, I do my DQs for school, research more for assignments and drift deciding if I want to work more, enjoy some time while she drifts off to the Dreamworld. I’m left alone, at times I feel like it’s a sport between the two of us. Who will fall asleep first, who will stay up?

    11:00 p.m. – the tiredness has yet to sweep over me, the screen is glaring, my family sleeps, and I choose a show, lately it’s the documentary of Vonnegut on Hulu, I’ll write at times, usually editing works unshared here but it’s a bigger project than expected and I aim on getting to that eventually. We’ll see.

    12:00 a.m. – I’m still very much awake still at this time, still very much alive and not nearing the dropping eyes, but I know tomorrow will be coming regardless and try to get her to the bedroom so her neck isn’t kinked and pained the next day, it takes a near thirty minutes sometimes. But it’s been like that since day one. You learn to work with what you got. Anyhow from waking to about now, this is my day, a chill day at that, chaotic ones are left mentioned but they come through in passages, in feelings and the thoughts I share. Sometimes they’re lessons learned, others are revelations, and then there are those that have me wanting to climb a wall and disappear. But we do what we must and take on the next day remembering the parts that worked and avoiding those that don’t.

    Good night and good morning. Good morning and goodnight.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Twenty-Seven, January 27th, 2024

    Hello good morning good night, I apologize I’m a little late on this one because I got tired and honestly I let my worry really really take the best of me.

    As I’ve stated in prior posts, MS is a tricky little mind f***. I’ve taken the Ocrevus and am finished with my first infusion and at first there were curious worries, then elation, with a coming regret and then a composing of bitter contentment.

    At first I took to MSabove asked, around red people’s fears people’s horror stories and the likes, and then I let it really really fester and really really sink into being more than petrified. Mitigate the actual appropriate ways to find information. So I took to using my mind as scientifically as possible which is not like me but, I am proud of myself, however the news that I found was more than daunting, try absolutely terrifying. So spinal tap, news, and a matter of when this will really, really be a prospect. This is why, because if PML is what’s going on then I’ve got two years and that’s if it’s a possible good two years or my body will completely just shut down and throw me to the wolves.

    So from talking to nurse doctor another nurse my family who’s also a married of nurses and my very good friend whose daughters are also nurses or doctors depending on which one we’re talking about I’m being told to be my own advocate not only be my own advocate but be aggressive let them know you don’t want to take care of me then I’m going to find out if the answer is the only way I can and if that’s the case then I’ll have the right to kind of push it in their face. Meaning if need, be file a lawsuit but that’s another thing, doctors don’t aim for that s***, they’re not trying to be an adverse reaction for answers and finding answers. They have a bunch of red tape they themselves have to follow through and with my job I’m beginning to understand that more and more. It is just a business nowadays, the U.S. health system l,b that is, doesn’t care about the patient, at least I know as a receptionist for the company I work for having to do with health issues I get to care about the patient. However being the shoulder and sometimes, coming off as the guy who makes it come off like I’m cutting tape when I’m not, because I’m not licensed. But I’ve noticed the more candor and honesty you bring to every patient as long as you make sure to listen to them, they’re more than happy for anything that can be done because until that moment they didn’t feel like they were being heard. Anyhow I’m realizing being the patient dealing with circumstances that are somewhat parallel to issues I’ve been dealing with as the agent and not the patient it’s sad to know that I’ve genuinely have to be my own advocate and aggressively so.

    Also to those who do read and keep up with my daily drops or really anything that I post I do apologize for a late one today I’ve been somewhat in my own head a bit worried and trying hard not Spanish but at the same time trying to, I guess we saw myself to a point where I can think logically, and acts appropriately to make sure I can get things done I’d rather know that I have two years left then find out a year and a half that I’ve got months if that’s the case then we’re going to make this the best damn blog no one to freaking anybody that we meet and I will do everything I can to pour my heart out and be as real and raw as I can so everybody else can get in front of it for themselves and for the future so that is what it is right like that’s why we do what we do that’s why we write we want to communicate and personally yeah I would like to feel that I’m seeing your likes and your follows definitely help and I feel the support and I apologize if I’m not going and liking your pages more often I will definitely make an effort to do so and I apologize that there is very little punctuation, sometimes when you do the voice to text you got to make sure you do that and today I’m not going to cuz I want to make sure I drop this so I can make sure the day 28th drop is hopefully going to be seen by midnight if not 1:00 in the morning mountain time that is.

    Also the Latin phrase that I close with everyday is in layman’s terms “know thyself“.

    So every time I close out I am definitely reaching out to anybody and anyone to remember that it is on us to know who we are to know what we are and to know how we react with anything that we are facing let’s shine some light on the world let’s shine some light on one another and let’s shine some light for one another.

    Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May you all have a beautiful night a beautiful day and I will see you all soon hopefully I will have an update on the spinal tap blood work and regardless of HIPAA I’m going to be as honest and forthcoming as I can be I hope it’s not too much I am what I am and I’m realizing more and more specially with what I’m finding more data proven details, his may be all I’ve got.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Twenty-Six, January 26th, 2024

    It takes work.

    I brush it off, shake my head and look to my wife. And think can we get through this? Can we set aside our differences and truly make a change or is this the stagnation that will kill what I feel has a potential for a peace we can find that happiness?

    Life and the pursuit of whatever it is that’s wanted in life takes work, communication, and a willingness to face and address the issues with an open heart.

    I go through my days questioning so much and asking myself what is it that I want? Truly what are the pursuits for happiness that I believe would bring that? It’s a conundrum that leaves me sitting in silence, or better yet with UE speakers around me enveloping me with an array of music that either staves off that worry, or brings a salt to wounds that I thought were gone.

    What I’ve found is this, there are two opposing roads, like any street, going opposite directions, that’s marriage, it’s relationships, and what makes them more vital is a willingness to communicate the needs and wants of one another and to accept the love given without bashing and breaking down one another. I can’t speak for my wife, and though I’d love to talk about how I perceive what she shows, I’d need a tool to read minds that’d help finding out truth of her true wishes. But, that’s not how we work, we don’t talk about that, one stares off at the house, or into space, and ventures within, while the other scrolls, and enjoys reels, occasionally we meet in the middle. Luckily it works though, we support one another, we don’t crush each other’s dreams or predilections. We let it roll.

    And maybe that’s what it is, maybe.

    Love, peace, and happiness can only be attained and appreciated if one takes the time to roll with the frustrations, anxieties, and the chaos that is life.

    C’est la vie

    Good night and good morning, good morning and good night.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Twenty-Three, January 23rd, 2024

    I don’t know if it’s sad or if it’s an actual achievement today, but this is the longest I’ve gone posting consecutively. 23 days. And since January 1st, likely long before it as a matter of fact, I’ve found that I loathe my job.

    It’s not that the job is a frustrating one, toxic, or any of the typical complaints heard from job environments. There is the occasional micromanaging, but it’s slow, and when the calls take ten to fifteen minutes between each, the hands get fidgety and I reach for pen and paper, paint and canvas, or clay and start creating something that wasn’t there before. It’s just simply not something wanted for long. I’m nearing my bachelor’s in a year, and want something that ties in with interests I hold dear and I truly enjoy writing here, and about everywhere.

    But through readings, continued research, and a feeling that there’s more I can do than just talk about a personal observation, perspective, and the emotions that touch the sensitive spots in the mind and heart.

    The plan still remains as I shared the other day (see Day 20). My focus will maintain on the goals, in all honesty I feel more and more that I have to. And here’s why.

    I’ve neglected to share a prominent concern, though I think I’ve mentioned some concerns I shared about the MS, being positive for the JC virus, and the Ocrevus infusions that started late November 2023. What I may have not shared was prior to starting the Ocrevus, my cousin visited me in dream. The biggest reason I feel this to be important, is one, he passed away about five years ago, two when I was given the news he was sick, I knew he wasn’t going to make it.

    Ever have those times where beyond doubt your heart and mind consecutively concur with the details, the information, and the reality of what’s to happen? It’s almost as if there’s a grabbing at a time tunnel that only the mind can pass through to see it and then it fades. This happened the day I was called with the information that my cousin was sick. It hit me like a train, and after hanging up I broke, and wept knowing, beyond a shadow of doubt, science or faith wouldn’t heed what was to come. He passed in April 2018.

    He spoke to me a month before the Ocrevus with this one line: “We’ll see you soon.” But there was another voice sharing it, my brother, who had also passed from a brain aneurysm two years ago, they spoke in unison, my cousin smiled and I woke up. I kept it to myself for a day or two, rather shaken but tried not to let it bother me. My figuring was due to the concerns I had shared with my neurologist, fear of knowing I’m positive for JCV, and the small warning heard at the end of the Ocrevus commercials. It’s not a small one, mind you, it’s rather shocking; increased risk of cancers, including breast cancer, PML, and death.

    I breathed in and took a risk, accepted the chances and thought, it’s either I have ten years left of typical living or take the chance and gain 41 years to live with my family. So I went through the two-step infusion for the first run and did it with slight apprehension but with a relief that I had made a decision. It went surprisingly well, a small infusion reaction typically seen with Tecfidera patients. It’s another MS medication and the flare up reds the body like a lobster with an agitating itch, but luckily the nurses resolved the small reaction. I exhaled and started painting, writing, and pushing myself into everyday, making sure that I tried to live my every hour with purpose.

    Now MS comes with a myriad of symptoms, annoyingly so, making it hard to distinguish a headache from the myelin sheath around my spine being eaten away, nerve pain that screams through the legs, arms, back and anywhere else. The symptoms become easier to recognize but still nerve racking being in my 30s, with the exhaustion, confusion, and showing signs of memory issues, cognitive ability issues, and motor function issues, but I learned to deal. Sometimes I didn’t want to but I’m trying to stay strong.

    Seven weeks from the second infusion and I’ve checked 5 boxes off for the signs of PML, shooting pains like steel rods suddenly appearing in my arms and throughout my body, memory issues where the space of a memory is gone, visual issues similar to seeing things like hallucinations, depression (still unsure), and an exhaustion that beats on the body but holds on to the sleep leaving me awake at 12:53 am or longer and waking at 5:00 am.

    I want to call the doctor, but then again it’s MS, and I keep telling myself it was just a dream I had during a nervous time, that it’s in my head and it’s likely just the MS being difficult, and then there’s the fact, though I know I’m likely dreaming every night I sleep, I haven’t had such a vivid and daunting dream since, that I was able to remember upon waking.

    That’s why the plan has been set, my hope is that my life will be long and rewarding, that I’ll get to see the grays on my son’s beard as he ages, that I’ll walk my baby girl down the aisle for whomever they love. And that I’ll be able to resurrect my marriage before I pass.

    But I just don’t know, and to be frank, I’m fearful of what may happen, because the more symptoms that share similarities with the data of PML reports, bring worries of living either one more year, being in a vegetative state, or having the original set theory that I’ll live how I’ve lived for another 10 years before it gets too difficult and I’ll need a live-in aid.

    So now you have it, and now maybe you see why I’ve been more than forthcoming about who I’ve become, how I observe the world and the joys and perspectives that are within. I will continue to write, paint and share what I have to share til there’s nothing left.

    Note: I don’t have many to share this with, so yeah it’s raw and yeah I’m showing a fragility to me and what is happening but why not?

    Goodnight and Good morning, good morning and goodnight.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Twenty, January 20th, 2024

    To those who’ve glimpsed through, taken a gander, and favored a passage or two, I thank you. And would like to share my appreciation for the support and favored reads you’ve liked. It means a lot.

    My first year using WordPress was essentially a bust. I was lazy and felt that with the year and a half, maybe two years under my belt of college, would have been enough to have me appropriately conducting the right times, to drop the right perspectives, and sharing aspects through every other social media platforms possible and reaching out to and talking with others, what are they called? Influencers, yes, and entrepreneurs.

    I’m not being smug nor am I intending on being coy, there’s a lot on my mind. I wasn’t consistent, I came in with this idea to write short stories, then wanted to incorporate quotes, then cooking recipes, sandwiches, chili, and occasional doodles, nothing of substance just a brief intro of what may be stimulating but lacking in most areas of support. Along with that I’d make these stupid promises and intended dates do story drops that borough nothing but a lack of everything. Yeah I gave MS, yeah the ADHD is sometimes a problem but I needed better focus, needed more accountability for what, who, and how I stand as me being me.

    The last couple years have been more than stressful, seven years for striving to build a marriage all to be told separation was all that was wanted, prior to that Grand mother, mother, cousin, uncle, and my brother died. Then there’s also my brother that I wrote about last night, the weight that still resides from that taste left in the mouth and wanting to help someone who comes off injured and disregarding an aid due to pride. Then there is the likely ‘depression’, still not sure and not diagnosed just feel off. But I try to distance myself from this and that while being a clarity to things I can control.

    Which brings me to now, January 20th and 21st, 2024. My goals from here on out for DreamDarkStories is this:

    • January will be a maintaining of daily journal entries that cover a portion of who I am and where my heart is in perspectives and values.
    • February, March, and April will be a slow release of art and stories that share my values and start veering focus toward DreamDarkStories. With this will be maintained daily journal entries, weekly page or two drop for a story or two, and up and coming apart works.
    • May, June, July, and August I will be sharing along with all mentioned above in this list, my regiment of how I take care of myself, how I train my dog Lobo and his growth while sharing the introspective value of tying everything together through focus and accountability. Maybe minor being a father and husband thoughts too.
    • September, October, and November will be contain what’s mentioned above, also finished drops of short stories edited and finished, hopeful progress seen in my marriage for myself, health progress, leading to…
    • December where I will be compiling a first anthology collection of short stories shared, a finishing of The Walker Memoirs (I’ve been quietly and somewhat privately working on this the last year), and my first attempt at publication.

    So come with if you will, I appreciate the support, invite the questions, and would joyously accept input.

    Goodnight and Good morning, Good morning and Goodnight.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Nineteen, January 19th, 2024

    Whether it’s depression or just being in a slump, I honestly don’t know. But I promise I’m not aiming on offending or pushing anybody the wrong way or rehatching everything, anything, I am simply making an observation of myself and how I’ve been dealing with the new infusions and my own perception. That being stated I’m pretty sure it is depression, as I’ve only found myself being more irritable, more agitated, and more bothered by behaviors and decisions either voiced or simply acted out.

    I had an opportunity to meet up with a brother that I hadn’t seen in over seven years, that’s a lot of time, a lot of Life happens in that amount and a lot of change depending on the person. At least that’s what I had assumed.

    This wasn’t the case however, I should have seen the cues. I had asked if he’d like something from McDonald’s, stating we were about to leave the restaurant and to let me know if there was anything.

    Now have you ever seen the movie Fear? The thing is we were raised being taught that the use of phrases such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and the idea that treating others in a way we’d appreciate ourselves to be courteous and decent. I agree with this sentiment blatantly, as an observer and human that appreciates cordialness I find it shows an appreciation and benefit of seeing the betterment in people. It’s also a good way of not only getting what’s being requested but showing a very Americanized system of honor as in honoring oneself the other and how we share that treatment with one another.

    This wasn’t the case. Not one damn bit. I’m not a vindictive one, nor am I one to serve an offer with retribution if I had asked regardless of the outcome. The a** wanted two spicy chicken, and two doubles with cheese. I should’ve known with the lack of either phrases shared above. Atop that, there’s the specificity of the order. It could’ve been any other meal, a combo, any collection of sandwiches big or small, but what was ordered is a favorite I’ve seen ordered by the toxic and overly masculine characters that don’t show a clarity of values and tend to blur decency with audacity.

    You may ask why, and I’ll tell you, it’s named the Mcgangbang. It’s an egregious and grotesque name that, just doesn’t sit well. Yet, assuming it was just a favorite he’d been known to order since being a teen, I ignored the moniker and messages as a brother verbiage and brought his meal. I had hoped it’d be more joyous, more elation as it’d been seven years and our kids had aged, my hair grayed and lengthened, his mid riff thicker and hair line retreated. I genuinely hoped there’d be a comfortable nature and familiar behavior as we’re adults now.

    It was as if I had been sent back to my teen years walking into his home. The living room sat somewhat tidy, a myriad of THC canisters strewn on his coffee tables, pipes empty, some partially packed, and a faint, stuffy aire of reeking weed. The girls rooms were filthy, his master, worse than theirs, and paraphernalia strewn through almost each room. I look at my wife, my eyes hiding my horrors, but she sees through my shade and smiles softly helping our son to a couch and maintaining focus toward the little guy so as hot to have him get curious with the shite around the living room. my brother, he issues a hand toward the garage, stating it’s where well smoke and how he’s joyously learning how to roll blunts. I bite my tongue, though I wanted to rag on him for being so childish, for having a house like such with two little girls but can see a pain that’s familiar.

    I share my being proud of him, I share my sentiments to keeping himself together after a tenuous splitting of his 11 year marriage. He scoffs and states some aggressive lines about wives, and the horrors they bring, issues a finger at my wife but holds his tongue, and complains of the chaos and being stoned incessantly. Brags about much of nothing and jostles a familiar machismo I’ve only seen in gyms and on the field for a sport I once played. His vernacular is agitated as he feels any comments not supporting the anguish are either a benefitted statement to make myself feel better, or issuing a call for pity. He talks about laying pipe, and tries to paint a tapestry of sexual gratifications brought to him while I waive off his flexing and shake my head.

    Mind you, my wife is with me, my son right next to her, and I’m trying to be a good brother. I’m trying to be supportive and as gracious as I can before deciding I’m not going to put myself within this world he’s alluding to. I’ve gained so much and I’ve moved beyond this childish behavior and the dangerous antics he’s mentioning seem beyond dangerous. I think of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Zeno, and myself and who I am, how I brought my family, my loves to this home and what we were met with and made a conscious decision to remove myself and my family from the toxic machismo disorderly slowly unraveling in the garage.

    For a moment I felt guilty, a second I felt shame, and realized this is life, this is what happens to the people we love and let live. We love our brothers, our sisters, our parents and those we consider family. But we’re also our own and it’s in us to make our own decisions and create our own fate. Though my heart sits somewhat heavy with who I saw today and how little he had grown in the seven years, but still to know he lives and breathes is more than I can say for another brother I didn’t have an option in seeing before he passed.

    So…it…goes.

    C’est la vie

    Good afternoon and Good Morning. Good morning and good night.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Four, January 4th, 2024

    There is so much to do, so much to clean, and make order to what’s amiss. And though it’s only the 4th of course the year before in the year before all piled together because we know like the pills we ingest there is a half-life to everything we have before us and behind us and hell even coming to us. But I will say regardless of half-life I am very much, really f****** sick and tired of having to hug at the cactus. I get the idea for retribution, consolidation, and recovery regardless the relationship, a dichotomy gone awry, or a relationship of the most dearest, I’m sick and tired of hugging the f****** cactus. But then again I have to realize and also respect and understand that my differences are going to be just like that of someone else’s, different.

    I am not you, I’m not them, I’m not they, I am me. Still sick and tired of hugging the cactus but at least there’s that understanding that I need to come to terms with the knowledge that if I want that love and feel that I may favor with this love, I need to understand that no matter what I envision, doesn’t mean we share the same and doesn’t mean we cover the same or hold to the same principal.

    But when you really look at it that’s what it is right? It’s loving somebody or appreciating somebody so much and just enough that no matter what flame, no matter what dagger, no matter what pile of s*** they give you you’re going to turn around and just like a puppy come running back wagon that tail because there’s a love that is unequivocal unmeasurable and you just hope that you don’t f*** it up enough that it never comes back right?

    I’m that kind of person though, I’m that dumb dog that tends to not hold a grudge. Nope, I tend to forgive very easily and I hope, so much to a point that it’s almost insurmountable naivety. And I guess that’s the conundrum or the paradox. That I’m a fool enough to reset my mind over and over regardless and just try to hold on dear for the next day being better than this. I’ll change for myself, I’ll change to make sure that life is better for others and better for communicating and understanding in making sure I can manage something of profit.May that come eventually. But again it’s a reset every freaking morning, I reset every morning and make a conscious decision to take the best that I can everyday. Day four and still thinking I got this. Just trying to maintain a lack in cactus, a rest when needed and food to quell the worry. Good night everyone.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Three, January 3rd, 2024

    Today I found an article in The Guardian. , “If you think you hate everyone, have something to eat. If you think everyone hates you, go to sleep.” The article, written by Wendy Syfret, resonated, and whether it had to do with the idea of rest the idea of a banana the idea of appreciating mental health or the convoluted mess that we all find ourselves to have a tendency in either being aware of or completely neglecting. What I appreciated about the mantra was the simplicity, it seems to be something that I appreciate about most logical and clearly thought out perspectives of people that I either look to or hear from or like. Similar to what we’re discussing or I’m discussing that was found and the words hit the heart or both the mind and heart.

    I think of life, love, and the very dear pursuit for happiness, though messy and convoluted, is not only a paradox wrapped up in the convoluted mess of strife and stress and wondering, but the beauty and simplicity that we have and learning and changing, to have that capability to have that freedom to make those choices not that I want to get on the argument of that big question in our philosophy classes as we grew up but I feel that that freedom and that capability to make that choice is that free will that we have to make the choice in making a change or not making a change to make a resolution or not.

    So I take to that beautiful flower I call life and I pluck, sometimes delicately, other times with a bashing and thrashing that leaves a wilt or wrinkle. These choices, at each petal are my life choices, and those Life choices go and help or destroy the becoming of what I am and what I hope will be a better me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

    I take heed to that mantra, and take heed to the life lived. We live in a world where you and I, the person beside you, and those scrolling and doing the usual routine of screen absorption, vying for others lives lived and yearning for change, pull away, Take a breath, take a bite, and if you need take that nap. Become your own world, become the island or universe you want to embrace and shine through.

    “If you think you hate everyone, have something to eat. If you think everyone hates you, go to sleep.”

    Nosce Te Ipsum

    Reference: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/04/my-high-school-teacher-accidentally-gave-me-a-lifelong-mantra-if-you-think-you-hate-everyone-have-something-to-eat

  • MS and the anger of it all…

    The ellipsis above and likely anything on my blog from day one to current is a connection to the lack of clarity that I feel in myself, not necessarily for myself but for what I’m trying to convey or say. With the last seven years being a mighty f*** all of a time, I’m finding myself struggling and I thought for a while I was struggling briefly, but that’s not the truth. I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I’m more than confused. I’m pissed. Upon

    Finding that I had MS, I didn’t expect the issues to pervade my every detail and aspect of life and everything. The worst part about it, and shame on me for even having the gall to think of it, I thought I’d have more support.

    I know right? The nerve of thinking and the dangers that came with the thought were overwhelming in that the illusion was a better aspect than that of reality. Now it’s just seen as an excuse or groaned at and disregarded in a fashion that makes every day a challenge.

    Case in point: I’m a father, husband, and writer, this means that if I have free time to write, I better make sure my family, especially my wife and son are given full and total attention. Fuck the writing. Fuck my dream and wanting to actually provide the blog with story after story. I need to have both ears pressed to my family and their beating heart.

    Though I know it’s a bit of a whine, it’s true I’m fully dedicated to my family and I definitely made some stupid mistakes that have made a reconsidering of a myriad of things but what I’ve come to knowing is that I love being a dad and I love being a husband I love being a family man in the true respects. I love being readily available for both of them I love being readily available for my teen who’s on their own journey looking for Independence… Though that Independence calls to an almost incessant asking for a bunch of free s***. Will get back to that at another point or juncture who knows.

    So the thing is my lesions are on lower part of my spine making it difficult to walk making it difficult to do certain things my knees kind of give out sometimes my hips give out but the worst aspect is I have lesions in my mother f****** brain! So when I was initially told this I didn’t really give it much thought I didn’t give it much weight cuz I was like I’m not going to let Ms knock me down very much like the commercials. And then lo and behold month by month and year by year, there was this resounding perspective that I was neglecting, I get confused, and I don’t just get confused I get lost, (as an insurance agent that’s detrimental to the f****** job). And with it I found schools become harder life has become harder and I hate acknowledging that I hate just addressing it but that’s something that I’ve realized I have to do because if not I just look like a lazy piece of crap who’s not doing anything and it’s not that. Those lesions in my brain bring a smorgasbord of nonsense words puzzle pieces oddly fitting but only for myself and no one else and I’m doing everything I can using grammarly even AI to help gained a perspective not only gain a perspective but 8 to bringing a benefit to what I’m actually trying to do.

    Which is again another reason among too many funerals, emotional weight and depression I haven’t produced shit. Sadly and ashamed, I write to you this. It is flipping hard and not having the support makes it that much harder. I’m exhausted and though I would love to write I want to write I want to write every f****** day, I want to tell stories I want to do art, I want to show what I can do and what I can bring to the story of our community, our world, our youth. So I’m trying and I promise I’m not cussing at you I’m just emotional and instead of putting myself on a video on IG or facebook, I’m talking to you the reader I am emotional and I’m doing everything I can to get my s*** back together, because I want to be a writer for the rest of my life however short or long that may be. I want to produce a memoir for this amazing man that I met named John Walker which I’m trying to work on, I want to finish up my bachelors and steer towards a masters in English. But then comes the fallacy that I don’t belong.