Dream Dark Stories

Tag: journal

  • Day Eight, January 8th, 2024

    The day starts with a sweat, the chill of the winter air that doesn’t seem to lift in the back room raps at my skin and my hand reaches for the phone blindly. As usual, it’s precarious perch is bare, but the arm drops and grabs l, still blind, and lands heavily onto the screen. My eyes open and the screen, bright enough it lights the room just enough to know it’s nowhere near the alarm set and I groan. Adjust, move a leg, position for another pocket of warmth and can’t manage to gain the comfort I stirred from .

    A commotion softly starts with the looking for socks in the laundry beast that’s swarming over a sixth of the space left in the back room, and lazily, I brush away clean underwear, wrinkled shirts, and towels wrapped inside of jeans and other clothes. Finally, socks that are fit for boots, a slip of the shirt from last night, the jeans still with the belt on and I head to the dogs who either heard the chime of the belt or just knew I’d be up.

    Lobo jumps with glee the moment his gate opens, peer pawed in the face with an exuberance of an eight-month Pyrenees while the mutt, Oreo a shitzu terrier whines his familiar small dog whine. The two are complete and utter opposites but they pair well and joyously snuggle with my steps in the blistering cold outside. The two tread through the snow, my arms wrestling with their leashes, grabbing my jacket at the door and slipping it on while letting them off to bark at the sinking moon and the white crystals twirling around them while they run back and forth.

    The ice block coated in warm water is lapped up quickly, shortly followed by a crunch crunch chomp. I slowly step toward the wind, and my breath is stripped from the lungs as the cold constricts my heart and body demanding a carbon dioxide sacrifice from me to feed its world. I cough, wheeze and scurry back inside to start the Keurig ready the lunches for the family and start up my programs, school, and the day ting work that’s already buzzing on the small phone nagging and skittering with every message and alert. I groan quietly, go about my way and ignore the alerts. The dogs howl at the destroyed breakfasts and wrestle in the snow barking at the door, begging for a run at play with either the boy or I. Ready the smoothie for the Mrs, pack her lunch, ready her water, set the bags, both the boys and hers and off they go. A kiss, a goodbye, followed by a caressing of espresso down my tongue and throat coaxing the body in warmth.

    This is my morning, most mornings, and I feel that I’ve gained more direction and accountability with these words I share.

    “In your actions, don’t procrastinate. In your conversations, don’t confuse. In your thoughts, don’t wander. In your soul, don’t be passive or aggressive. In your life, don’t be all about business.” – Marcus Aurelius

    Goodnight, Good morning.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Six, January 6th, 2024

    I’m finally starting to understand the commercializing of Ocrevus and the steps that taking Ocrevus brings. When one gets this opportunity, the first infusion is done in two sessions and I finally did that second session at the beginning of December. At the start I think a lot of my excitement and the anxiousness that I felt with the excitement brought a lot of wanting to change and wanting to feel the change. But the matter of fact was it doesn’t work like magic, it takes time, everything takes time, so my body took it a bit rough, and I had to compensate for the very much-needed rest that still is called for.

    But I kept the hesitation at bay, at least as best as I thought. Something though started happening through the nerve endings and synapsis within. This brought an excitement that I hadn’t felt in eons and knowing the blacked-out spots in my brain may become rejuvenated, igniting a fire and it’s been a journey in itself and that’s just since December 13, 2023.

    The lines are becoming tethered and the feeling is splendid and tiring. A conundrum, I know., but it’s the finding of gaining my senses, staying on track, and finishing projects. My resolution since the Ocrevus infusion was not to miss a day, not to let the future or past interrupt my wanting to finish the goals and the agenda of becoming stronger in mind and heart. All in good time.

    Goodnight, good morning.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Five, January 5th, 2024

    I’ll start with a quote, one from my favorite stoic, Marcus Aurelius.

    “You’re better off not giving the small things more than they deserve.” –Marcus Aurelius

    My thoughts: I ponder and though the other day I addressed the Labrador-happy-go-lucky-next-day-attitude. And yet, there is a truth to the statement mentioned above. If we lived to let those small things, those small worries that more likely press to the Id or Ego, the manifestation becomes so weighted and juxtaposed with the emotions of one moment that the other emotions present and current are considered to be null and void. And atop that, what can we control other than ourselves?

    I take this quote though toward aspects of work, school, and creating what I choose to. To finish is but a concept most of the time. I let the details; those minute issues reside within the scopes of what’s referred to, overwhelm the cause.

    Essentially what I’ve found through reading Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus as well as others of the stoic kind is a call to remove the fluff, the squiggles of life and the chaos that blinds us from the whole that is unfolding every minute. There is this call to close the mind from the distractions and the drama that floods our airways and screens to focus on what is needed. It’s not to shut the world around us but to link the causal factors that can aid in defining who we are as the original self.

    Side Note: I know it’s one am and I’m still running my day of the fifth. The days blend together at times. Sorry.

    Aiming for clarity and for a deeper understanding in being a better person. I’ll share my thoughts in the morn, goodnight readers.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day Four, January 4th, 2024

    There is so much to do, so much to clean, and make order to what’s amiss. And though it’s only the 4th of course the year before in the year before all piled together because we know like the pills we ingest there is a half-life to everything we have before us and behind us and hell even coming to us. But I will say regardless of half-life I am very much, really f****** sick and tired of having to hug at the cactus. I get the idea for retribution, consolidation, and recovery regardless the relationship, a dichotomy gone awry, or a relationship of the most dearest, I’m sick and tired of hugging the f****** cactus. But then again I have to realize and also respect and understand that my differences are going to be just like that of someone else’s, different.

    I am not you, I’m not them, I’m not they, I am me. Still sick and tired of hugging the cactus but at least there’s that understanding that I need to come to terms with the knowledge that if I want that love and feel that I may favor with this love, I need to understand that no matter what I envision, doesn’t mean we share the same and doesn’t mean we cover the same or hold to the same principal.

    But when you really look at it that’s what it is right? It’s loving somebody or appreciating somebody so much and just enough that no matter what flame, no matter what dagger, no matter what pile of s*** they give you you’re going to turn around and just like a puppy come running back wagon that tail because there’s a love that is unequivocal unmeasurable and you just hope that you don’t f*** it up enough that it never comes back right?

    I’m that kind of person though, I’m that dumb dog that tends to not hold a grudge. Nope, I tend to forgive very easily and I hope, so much to a point that it’s almost insurmountable naivety. And I guess that’s the conundrum or the paradox. That I’m a fool enough to reset my mind over and over regardless and just try to hold on dear for the next day being better than this. I’ll change for myself, I’ll change to make sure that life is better for others and better for communicating and understanding in making sure I can manage something of profit.May that come eventually. But again it’s a reset every freaking morning, I reset every morning and make a conscious decision to take the best that I can everyday. Day four and still thinking I got this. Just trying to maintain a lack in cactus, a rest when needed and food to quell the worry. Good night everyone.

    Nosce Te Ipsum

  • Day One, January 1st, 2024

    I woke up this morning realizing that I likely got myself an F, the first F in college, which I find feels … not lovely. And then came the thought about resolutions, the next year ahead of me, and the slew of everything else, health, love, life, the pursuit of.. I guess what we call happiness.

    But before I started thinking about myself, my lovely wife is also in the room, and I asked “you got any resolutions or anything coming up that you’re looking forward to for the next year?” She states “No, I don’t believe in those, I don’t find the sense cuz if you wanted to do it why not just do it why make a resolution? Instead of doing it regardless.” I tried to understand while denying the obvious aspect, it’s the first of the month of the first of the year. In all honesty it is a new year.

    So it does call for it doesn’t it? I guess at least a thought, a moment to think and wonder why do we set resolutions? Why do we choose the new year to make changes?

    Or, is it the fact that the New Year in that refreshing of the spring, that we all know is coming, it does call for change, it calls for growth so maybe that’s what it is maybe it’s that. There’s the idea that within that resolution we’re planting seed or we’re planting a seed to bloom in bounds and be beautiful and how that beauty is shared and appreciated I guess is the point.

    I started getting in to stoicism and while dealing into the philosophy of what it entails I feel we misunderstand the concept. It’s not selfish and a bullish type, it’s a sander and polisher of the actually light fixtures within us enabling the concept and the methodology of how to be a better person not just for ourselves but so we can be better everywhere.

    What’s your resolution? Do you have one, many, books worth?

    As I’ve written in the past my goals and intentions sometimes fall flat sometimes completely disappoint, sometimes never take off and die. With that I am doing what I can to at least journal so welcome. Day one week one month one of 2024 hopefully I won’t bore you, likely I will, I think we’re all prone to bore a Time or two r I will share my opinion share my thoughts come back report refute please by all means like and follow, respond.

    Nosce Te Ipsum – M. Ryan V.