Sorry, hahaha, a cheeky move, I know, but, it is a thing and if my collection was ever shared on here of the Lego sets, well maybe one of these days.
We’ll see.
Hmmm. 🤔 That phrase, “we’ll see”, it stirs something within, not an anger of sorts, something remembered salted and ruined, just something sour, a bit of iron graces the corners of my tongue. Or did I just bite?
It does have a hint of sinister resolve, a personal and resolute type of adage that keeps me alert. It has the senses tightened.
The coming week I’m going to be practicing the previous things mentioned like yoga, diet, meditation, and continued planning with health and mental wellness but will also be trying to post a morning and nightly post. These will be about how the practices of meditation and other things impacted or taken away from other insights, learnings and steadiness grasped or lost. Like that of school work focus, art focus, or if doing any of this, all of this, will increase a wanting, a bringing that resolve to finding peace with the first pillar.
Through just the last couple of weeks there is this daunting reality that I’m finding a bit hard to handle, a bit of a struggle due to the isolation? And though I know that isolation isn’t intentional in malicious, it’s definitely affecting my person and I do not appreciate that. So I’m going to try to start reaching out to my brother’s a little bit more and my friend John and see what I can do about building that up a little bit. Luckily what I do like is I have here to decompress, relieve that stress, and share with anybody out in the world who is looking for something to grasp a hold of, or to look; “oh hey, I’m going to do everything that person isn’t or is.” If it helps, great, right?
Don’t forget Part 3 of Forget-Me-Naught will be dropping Sunday/Monday with Detective Milton’s playlist. Monday art and a few other things will be coming this week. Thank you everyone.
Enjoi!!!
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning good night may your day be ever bright and may the night be careful. Thank you for your support thank you for following please share and have a joyous day.
Life, individuation, the first pillar, Jung, my head, Jung, again, my head, Jung , Jung, Jung, look a wall.
Today, well, it’s a day where I’m going to take a moment to myself and reflect while I share some poetry and a playlist of favorites from Spotify. Enjoi!
Seashells
I remember the seashells, I remember the cold surface cupped against my ear, my mother asking if I can hear… If I can hear an ocean deep.
I remember the seashells, I remember the cold surface, an echoed hollow of something distant, something nearing being forgotten, I remember.
I remember the seashells, that cold surface, and a question that came with a known white lie, I remember nodding to a sound I didn’t know, something distant, something but forgotten, I remember.
I remember the seashells, but it’s something new, something small, I remember the seashells and their distant whisper of lyrics sung but only to me, I remember a different shell, this with sound, I remember.
M. R. Vega
Change
Calm the solutions, claim to negligence, absolve the blame.
The furrow of furies, a billowed worry, the calm to recoiled delights
Shame the differences, accuse the anguish, flavors missed, the ears suppressed. Mute. Mute. Mute and Scream.
M. R. Vega
Fuzzy Fury
Confusion.
I was here, now I’m gone, but then I was here again. Wait. What? I was here, now I’m gone, but then again I was here. Again.
A testament to this in a breaking brain, how the routine, disarray of the ADHD, a fragmented space of matter, missing, chunks, white, evanesce, to blank, the gray, eroded, the black, gone, gone, gone.
The last few nights I’ve found myself just staring off. I’ll kiss the wife good night, tuck in my son beside her. I say goodnight to the both of them, lay down on my small cot, and stare off to the droll of the darkness, and this has been happening for days, maybe even weeks now. I’m certainly losing track of time.
The other day I went to bed at 1:30 in the morning, woke up at 4:00 a.m., wide awake, having to somewhat force myself back to sleep but it’s not sleep it’s more just a fruitless, fretting, tossing, turning, and that’s not the first of that type of sleep, it’s been like this for years now.
And this, my reader, is the biggest reason why I’ve come wanting to address Carl Jung and the Five Pillars of happiness. I’ve been rather ignorant with my understanding of what depression is, trying to address it as though I’m just moody, I’m just not feeling well, under the weather, but that hollow sensation is right there. I would love to say that it’s fleeting, that it’s not a concern, that I am okay. But that’s a laugh, innit?
Before I close out and drop my playlist which isn’t all that long, as a reader what are your five pillars of happiness for you? One of my biggest which I have yet to address and will likely be addressing next week will be art, writing, and making sure to attribute those two things to balancing the issues at hand. Of course this will take time to address, to acknowledge, to delegate, and understand but I hope through sharing art, sharing perspectives, sharing more of the whole, the idea of who and what Dream Dark Stories is going to be will come.
Hand drawn, I figured AI had to go.What I Made……through the night……staring off into the darkness, using the TV light to mold and blend.
Enjoi!
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. I do hope you well, hope the day is blissful and the night gentle. Stay safe.
Yesterday I talked about coincidence, coincidence and the causal aspects of life that have us looking at circumstances thinking that it can’t be anything but a coincidence. So I thought of it, I thought of the coincidences, thought of life, thought of my circumstances, and came to think that maybe it’s a good thing Jung didn’t do more studies on coincidence. Maybe it’s a good thing that he left it to those that would come after his passing that delved into the totality of coincidence and how we consider the truth to it or the false aspects of it.
The biggest reason this has been in my mind, well in all honesty, as a professor of mine would like to state; it takes courage to address and acknowledge depression, or a state of fracturing within the mind space.
I’d love to say being a parent is amazing and great and it’s super awesome and it’s super chill and I love doing it everyday.
I’d love to have some superlatively coated, drenched in pink glitter kind of response to what it’s like being a parent. But the simple matter of fact is this, if your child isn’t typical compared to the way you feel your parenting in your upbringing in the way you kind of essentially push who you are onto your child. Not that it’s intentional not that it’s a subconscious or even a conscious effort, our kids are going to pick up on us. And if they’re smart, attentive, familiar with the human paradigm and characteristics of what we show when we’re upset, happy, frustrated, infuriated, exhausted… Then f****** great. And I mean that.
Here’s the thing, it’s a daily, it’s an all day, everyday, you got four hours Monday through Thursday, where you have time enough to either take care of the things you personally want to take care of, or take care of the household things that need to be taking care of, one or the other.
And yeah that fits in one block because it deserves that one block its the truth of the matter.
So in all honesty I’ve gotten just drained. And the MS fatigue, the MS health, the taking care of my son, taking care of school, and the last two years before all of this before I started the years daily blog posting, we’ve lost almost no more than 10 people in our family. I’m just tired.
So I found it coincidental that the lady that we called to help our son happens to be available to help me happens to be available to help some things I think can definitely be mitigated appropriately and safely, and I think I need it and I think in honor of just mental health in my heart it would be smart.
Now the question is this. Do I see that as a coincidence or just a circumstance that happened to work out very well?
Enjoi #0.22
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May your day be forever gentle, sweet, and gracious.
The synchronicity, a causal effect and coincidence…how can we amplify these meanings? The meaning of coincidence that is. I’d love to say I’m an advocate against coincidence but then digging into Jung deeper and deeper through the days…odd moments that have no definitive causal relation, and still, I question my thinking.
Is this a constant for you? The questioning?
What do you say, can you say that you are your best advocate? Or is it more you’re the best advocate for yourself and your worst enemy?
This is something that doesn’t cloud my mind per se, and yet here I am asking the question. And with that comes the question that I originally asked about coincidence. How can we amplify the meaning and actuality to that of coincidence? Truly if you are a believer of coincidence that’s awesome, and I really mean that because let’us… let’s put it on the table.
There is, what, 8.1 billion people on this f****** planet? Give or take a couple 100 million, right?
And to think of causal factors that would create an ideal or perfect set up for a coincidence, but, I feel that’s hopeful, can it be something that we attribute to our understanding in ourselves? And for it to be a perfect development of coincidence, does it lose its being a coincidence? Better yet when you truly, truly weigh in on it, it then brings a thought of a collective conscience, and I think that’s why the idea of coincidence is something that has some completely deny, others completely accept willingly, leaving people like me where I’m going what the f***?
Or is it something on a more scientific platform, needs the direct tie connected to that of the cause, the coincidence, and the person. But then that would call to knowing exactly what every single thing within that coincidence knew. Or for better divulging understood and was aware of The coincidence happening. Making it no longer a coincidence.
Say coincidence again.
I bring this to light and to posting today while editing due to staring up at the ceiling, well my son beside me sleeps his mama on the other side cuddles snuggles and sleeps too. The silence isn’t daunting, there’s not a w**** to it, there’s just a series of thoughts that permeate through everything else that I’m trying to do in my head the planning, the duration of thinking and how certain projects, certain objects will move and fall into place so things can happen the way it’s wanting to happen or the way I’m wanting it to happen.
And I know what I’m saying may come off convoluted but, check this out, this is my f****** head and another reason why I think maybe sharing it online and doing the posts everyday is good. It gives a good collection of someone dealing with MS dealing, the infusions, working though life with a kid who has autism(nonverbal), school, being the house spouse, being the dad, being the husband, and it amounts to what I can put here, but I can detail in what goes through my head, and it keeps me at least on my feet knowing that tomorrow’s another day, and my future is something that I can manage, I just need to figure it out first. Anyway I think I’m signing out I’m exhausted. Have a good day.
Enjoi!
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May the day be gentle, May the night be graceful.
Do you ever have those mornings when you wake up, look to the left, the right, down at your toes, back up to the ceiling, and beg your eyes to find darkness again?
As of late, I have found that I tend to use this as a meditative release. There’s something about the talking, the mic, the editing, the sharing hoping that it’s something relatable, hoping that any reader sees and goes ‘crap I thought I was the only one’…
But here’s the thing multiple sclerosis is a twat. The morning started out great, I had finished my school stuff, had finished the story, I was motivated. So motivated that I ended up wanting to make a home cooked school lunch dinner. Which means handmade breaded gluten free chicken tenders, super-silky, deliciously buttered mashed potatoes, and of course we got to have a veggie so why not corn? Right? So I go to the store, get all the things I need, hustle back home, finish up another art project, a little birthday gift for my wife.
It’s a Tea Hut.
And this great feeling, this motivation and drive that I’m feeling it’s great. I’m very happy that I finished part 2 of Forget-Me-Naught. More than excited that I was actually able to not completely but turn in something that more or less needs to be turned in just for the capstone that I have at the end of the year, and make sure that I was able to run over to the store, pick up everything, and get back to the house in time before my son gets here.
Side note: I don’t have a driver’s license, and I walk everywhere, due to my health this is something that is just a reality not great but whatever.
Now here’s the thing, when you’re diagnosed with multiple sclerosis you’re given this montage of all the things that are going to happen to you depending on life, as most MSers, I’ve noticed everybody has different symptoms, some are relatable, others not so much. One of the things is mobility, this is a most relatable of issues I have found with the app most MSers use, called AboveMS. Walking. How about that? F****** walking, this is simple task, an almost archaic way of getting about, it’s now a trial effort every f****** day. So when I wake up and I’m feeling okay and the morning start getting everybody ready and out the door to school and work, if that hour hour and a half duration, I’m not dealing with bumping anything, tripping, falling, losing feelings or control of legs, I take it as a good one. And for the most part I can continue on through my day, today that’s not the case.
I’m exhausted and I’m very nervous that the exhaustion is going to leak into tomorrow, which has another range of plans set for tomorrow, I pray that the energy stays, that the motivation is somehow hidden inside and only revealed tomorrow morning.
Editing this, it’s not. The next day that is it hell fire on the spine and bones. Being 33 and dealing with those kind of pains, especially knowing a lot of these pains are felt by people in a geriatric stage of their lives, just has me so excited for graying out, fading out, God I’m f****** tired.
So I’ve been kind of tilting the Jung theories, and I do believe in them and I do have faith in them as I feel that they will definitely help me. But when taking care of the mind and body and making sure they’re in sync, dealing with the above mentioned, it creates this odd stew of Life sewage. There’s moments where you want to celebrate but there’s the knowledge of knowing that the celebration may hinder everything after, I have weeds billowing out of my half circle in the front yard, I want to get them all taken out, and I’m going to, but then I have to plan ahead not just for getting the weeds, but for how is that going to affect my body for the next day and the next day in the day after that. These are factors that I hate to address, I guess it’s more of a nuisance and the new ones of knowing the effect action and energy use takes on the body. It’s a toll and it’s a toll that isn’t just $1.25 spare change from the f****** car kind of situation it’s a days worth of energy, a day’s worth of painting, of writing, of school work, house duties and so on. Which calls to making more plans, stretching out things, making sure that everything is lined up so I can make sure I take care of myself, and not bring the anger or irritation or anxiety of doing for others the way I like to do. Because truly, I love taking care of my family, I love cooking a meal getting really into it, setting the table, And when everybody comes to eat, instead of chit chat which I love, they are silent not because they don’t want to talk but because the food is too good to pause. These things bring joy. The same way taking care of my son everyday and being with him everyday brings Joy they’re necessities. It’s the planning, the planning and the arranging, the making sure I’ve got the time. And though on my Memento Mori app I have it set for I think 12 more years of life to be lived, I’m hoping for more, depending on the spinal tap we’ll see if it’s less. Who knows?
It’s life though, one thing that I try to be aware of, everybody’s different, everybody’s life is set for their own path, their own destination, their own journey. And I wish you all well.
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May you truly have a beautiful day, gracious and awesome night and may your rest and peace be gentle and forever. Till tomorrow.
† These are the recordings of Joel D. Braunagh. Patient #19-374222. Case #9119 Det. Milton # 617
Discussions encase “the box”, admittance of guilt to victims: Brother -Michael Braunagh, Wife – Celeste Braunagh, Daughter – Zappy Braunagh
Date/Time – May 13th, 2009, 8:00 p.m.
Pt. #19-374222 J.D.Braunagh
† Pt. #19-374222 J.D. Braunagh was given 05.12.2009 for Temporary Leave upon approval from D.A. Kingsley with police detail to coroner facility and grave site of both Celeste Braunagh and Zaporah Braunagh for funeral services.
Discussion 2
-+-Good Evening Mr. Braunagh, again, as a formality, this conversation and all details will be recorded and held to the courts for delibierstions on sentencing. I, again, am Detective Rachel Milton and will be having today’s inquiries and details scribed and recorded. Now, may I get you a pack of smokes, a pop, maybe some coffee? Anything Mr. Braunagh?
‡Braunagh gives a heavy sigh, scoffs, rolls his head over his shoulders and nape of neck, shakes his head.
-+-I heard you had the privilege of joining your family yesterday and sharing some goodbyes. How are you holding up Braunagh?
‡Silence, shoes shuffling, a heavy sigh. Braunagh whispers incoherently.
-+-Would you speak up Mr. Braunagh.
‡ Braunagh lifts up two fingers, assuming a notion to quiet the talking.
— Detective Milton, if I have to ask you again to call me Joel, I’ll never give you a thing, doesn’t matter what the judge, D.A, or your captain ‘Surly‘ says. Do you have any idea the amount of isolation my entirety has dealt with?
-+-I didn’t mean to offend, my apologies Joel. I do have to ask though how was their isolation if your family was in the house with you during…well (hmmm), elaborate if you can Joel.
— No, I’ll get to that, to the box, the evidence, all the content agreed with the department and courts. I had assumed you wanted me to answer the other question about saying goodbye.
‡ Braunagh quits, shuffles his feet and stands up and starts to pace.
— Sorry, is this allowed? Me walking around?
-+-Yes, Joel, stay behind the table, the cameras are on too, as long as you stay composed, rational, and don’t give an excuse to who’s watching from there.
‡ I issued a finger toward the camera above me, Braunagh nods with acceptance and understanding. Smiles and continues.
— Saying goodbye was, it was a weighted ordeal detective. You ever have to say goodbye to a loved one?
— The thing is Detective, yesterday was more for me confirming what I had done. I had seen the condition they were both in at the house not but four days ago. But, they had already unraveled, I’d already known, I knew I was losing them every minute I couldn’t get that f****** box controlled, or contained.
-+-Okay, thank you for your honesty, so you had already said goodbye? But just the other day, the 11th, you run this whole line how you didn’t get to say goodbye. How can you say one thing and then confirm with another statement today setting a stage for falsehoods? What was that for Joel? We need a 100% type of relaying the information, everything’s recorded Joel, you asking one thing the other day readjusting a statement to fit into your needs later on not remembering the things you had said prior are just going to set you up for failure with me. You need to be 100% with every word you share, every single bit is going to be weighed measured and will be the determining factor of how long you’re behind those bars. You do know that Mr. Braunagh, right?
‡ Braunagh scowls and shows a meek smile of disgust.
-+-Sorry, Joel, you know right? You have to be able to confidently relay all details, to tell me the whole truth, okay?
— Yes, yes, a thousand f****** times Rachel, yes! I’ve already agreed to the entirety of the deal, I will give you all the details.
-+-Okay then, so where would you like to start Joel. The other day you had shared the loss of your son. I couldn’t even be able to find a way to understand that kind of a loss, especially such a harrowing and terrible way in losing him, I am so, again, very, very sorry about that Joel. What was it that happened after?
— I’ll tell you this Rachel, if it wasn’t for our little one, Zappy, I would have ran back up that hill and jumped off to end it all. But I know I couldn’t have left Celeste like that. Can I assume you’ve already looked at the files for that incident with my son?
-+-Yes, Joel. And before you ask, yes, all evidence points to signs of a natural incident to the cause of your son’s death. I truly am sorry for your loss. Most of us at the department don’t think you’re a killer Joel, I know I don’t. Being a mother and having my baby, there isn’t anything in my gut that tells me you’re a bad person, that’s why I’m the one here, I begged my captain to give me this detail, I had a gut feeling that there was something we were missing, so please continue Joel.
— Celeste was at home was happy when he died. It was a little dad and son adventure up in Beulah, we were collecting butterflies for his collection. Those f****** butterflies.
-+-How do you mean?
— After I called 911, after the police and EMT crew, after his body was put on the gurney, I was put in the back of a police squad car and driven back home. I knocked on my f****** door not with my son’s hand in mine but with a box of fluttering butterflies and a cop behind me some really hanging his head down. I couldn’t f****** look at her. My heart could barely stand being there. I had still had the blood on me his blood, my hands were caked with it, and the look on her face was in absolute horror. She wailed, screamed to the f****** skies, and made sure that I felt every bit of pain that she was dealing with. It didn’t matter that the cops were there, it didn’t matter that the lights were still dancing on the house, it didn’t matter that my grief was right there with her, she started throwing her hands atop my head, my face, my chest and everything of me she could wallop on. I wrap my arms around her, begged for her forgiveness and we fell to the floor together in a heap while the cops tried to handle the chaos of my house.
— I knew then, I knew that she had hated me, the moment that door opened and my son wasn’t in my hand standing there as well, I knew there was no way she could ever forgive my failure and saving her baby. Even still the pit that is my heart remains as empty as it was that day, I know it’s not fair, I knew it wasn’t fair to my daughter, I knew it wasn’t fair to my baby, my f****** wife, I failed all of them, the s*** has a dad who couldn’t keep his hands on his f****** son to make sure he didn’t fall had just lost any respect, any love, any regard to being a part of our family. I completely failed. F***, how long am I going to have to do this before it stops hurting?
‡ Braunagh pulls a Djarum, a small cigar, from behind his ear, strikes a match, pulls at the flame, and starts to inhale the clove scented smoke and continues.
— Sorry Rachel…just need to breathe, just breathe Joel.
— The police had us sign some forms, and gave us a day or two to settle after our son’s passing. Next we went to the coroner, that day that day too I wanted to die, there was such a guilt, there was such this tremendous and excruciating weight in all of the failure, all of the action not taken that led to us being there at the Coroner’s office, I did everything I could to keep my lips shut, my jaw tight and just stood behind her, behind Celeste in case she was going to faint, or in case any more chaos was to come from her or the both of us. It wasn’t easy then and even going over it now I can still see her face, see the tears flooding down, collecting at her chin, the snot that blended with all of it and all she wanted to do was kiss her baby. All she wanted what’s the fill that warmth again from him, and I can I can still see your hands with this tremor of a shake trying, just trying so so painfully to touch what is now about as cold as the metal he was laying on and she trembled, Rachel she f****** troubled so much. And I didn’t know what to do, I had no idea what in the flying hell was to be done to help rectify this? There wasn’t anything Rachel, sorry Detective.
-+-Would you like a minute Joel? I can step out if needed.
— No, no thank you, I just want to get this done.
— That first day after she saw him and confirmed the horrors for herself, was one of the worst days of my life, and the week, weeks, the weeks and months that came after were no more better. She refused to close his door, refused to hide it, and eventually begged me to seal the door and replace it with the wall that essentially created a tomb of a past that neither of us would ever be able to return to.
— I did exactly that, I listened to the wishes, called my brother Michael after ignoring his calls since our Luca died. But, then after the funeral, it was a lot harder to ignore him, a lot harder to shut the door and recoil in the grief, because Michael was a very involved family member, he was Uncle Michael and we let him share that grief. I did have him help me seal up the door, he too like myself wasn’t a fan of the idea, but I think both Michael and I knew it was the only way we could have Celeste find some type of composure, some type of peace even if it was more of a falsehood than actual peace.
-+-What about your daughter, where was she during all of this?
— This is something I’m not proud of, because of the good amount of years that were between Luca and Zappy, we had told Zappy that Luca had gone away for a very long trip. And yes she did go to the funeral with us, but I still feel that at the age she was at during that time the understanding of loss just for my wife was too much so sharing that grief and loss with zappy, I feel that both the voice as parents wanted to keep her protected, so we lied, lied about Luca leaving on a trip.
-+-She didn’t ask about the door? She didn’t wonder where her brother’s room had gone to? I would assume that any kid could see very obvious things were happening, why? Why was that your take why did you shut her out in such, such a way?
— I don’t f****** know, God damn it Rachel you seriously think I hadn’t gone through all of this, I haven’t questioned myself, my actions, every f****** day I don’t know. I wish I do and God how I wish there were so many f****** things I didn’t take to heart, didn’t take into action, and yes I failed my daughter just about as much as I failed Luca I’m well aware of that Rachel and I will forever question why I agreed with my wife and keeping her distant. And in all honesty I’m pretty sure she knew, Uncle Michael was a pretty conscientious one, constantly ragging on both Celeste and I to fix it with Zapp. Pretty sure he was the one who told her, and tried to tell her to keep it quiet that he was the one who told. But in all honesty I think he meant well, it did eventually make it easier down the road for Celeste, at least I’d like to think that it did.
— After his funeral everything went quiet. The chaos…it’s not that it stopped, it’s not that the turmoil within drifted or evanesced into the drink, it just became a part of us. A couple months after the funeral her night terrors started, the blood curdling screams and howlings that permeated through our doors down the neighborhood streets and echoed, affecting the entire neighborhood. And I needed to find an outlet, whether it was an outlet for us, whether it was something that could be used for just her I need to find a conduit that could be associated with Luca. So I did research, research, reading, so much f****** reading so much tinkering and tailoring to pulling apart machines and breaking down old game sets and I just lost myself in trying to find my family again.
— And this is where the isolation began, I shut the basement door and let Celeste take care of Zappy, having no idea of the detriment that I was creating, of the toxicity and spoiling of my little darling that I had just devised, thinking that her mom would find some resolve in making sure Zappy was better, but that idea of replacing one with the next was something else. I couldn’t fathom that my wife wouldn’t be able to see through the grief, I didn’t have the capacity in thinking Luca dying the way he did was so egregious that it made Celeste unable to look past that loss. And sadly I found Zappy cleaning up after her mom, cleaning up after herself, making her own little lunches for a homeschool system that was self created by my daughter, because Celeste was beside herself, creating a needing to grow up far too soon before a 5 year old needs to grow up and I stayed in the basement groveling in the loss trying to find a way to better this for Celeste, and for me.
— I think I’m done today Rachel. I had thought going over this, especially in a more one-on-one basis would help, maybe be cathartic and finding a grasp of all of this, it just makes it that much more real and terrifying and that I single-handedly ended my family’s lives by accident. I didn’t f****** mean to, I need that to be known I didn’t mean to hurt any of them. Especially my baby girl and wife. I’m sorry Rachel, I’m going to ask that we stop and we’ll pick it up tomorrow. I’ll go over… f***, I’ll tell you about the box tomorrow okay?
— You’re not going to like it, I know I don’t but I’ll give you every detail I can.
-+-Okay Joel, we’ll respect your wishes, we are running out of time though so I am going to need you to start truly getting into detail about what I’m hoping will start giving us some bread crumbs to building up a sort of detailed schematics of where it began and how it ended.
— You and me both Rachel, you and me both. Mind if I take another cigarette with me before I go back to my cell?
‡ I nod and issue toward the cigarette box where Braunagh take a one and awaits his guard to be ushered back to his cell.
-+-Tgank you Joel, you have a good night, try to remember all you can from the box and making whatever that thing is. Want to try to get as much as I can recorded all right? I’ll see you tomorrow Joel.
Scribed May 13th, 2009 -9:00 p.m. signed: R. T. Milton
End of Discussion 1 Time – 9:00 p.m. 05/13/2009
Songs listened to during Writing Forget -Me-Naught Pt. 2
Today I’m going to be very quick as a matter of fact, the reason why is I know I have at least two people who are awaiting Forget-Me-Naught Pt. 2, as well as trying to stay consecutive with an ample punctuality in posting it. I did say that I would have it up posted by Sunday / Monday
That said and given that my Sunday as well as every other day has more and more chaos kind of coming our way, I’m finding that my hands are often more busy than I care to admit.
To which I would like to simply state that for anybody who has a child with special needs, family member with special needs, or anybody in their lives with special needs, remember what they may show you, is only the surface of what’s actually going on within. My son nonverbal as he is, has shown a considerable amount of wanting. Wanting a friend, wanting a buddy, wanting his parents, and needing some support in his role. And sadly to my dismay it’s becoming very difficult for him to regulate, enough that he’s been hurting himself hurting his mom and dad, and inflicting his anger on himself and the things around him. It has called for a recollecting of foundation, support, a meeting in resolve to truly help him. So if ever I am late and dropping a post or if ever there is a time where I may be complaining, know that it’s true and the tiredness shared as well as the other things that are going on with life it’s all tied together and it’s more than exhausting.
With that I’m going to be dropping a playlist, it’s a bit of an angry playlist, to which it’s not all that long but I’m pretty sure you can deduce. Hope you don’t consider that rude and I do wish you the best.
Playlist #0.20
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. To those and any that ever come to this page, I do hope it’s known that I am greatly appreciative of the support and the coming back to check out what’s going on. I thank you very much.
Again, Forget-Me-Naught Pt. 2, will be dropping today, Monday, I am editing it in and out while I speak and edit this that I forgot to schedule.
My house sits on the far side of a very busy and bustling road that could and may have been almost main street of our part of the city. And even at 2:00 in the morning, the silence is fleeting. And I don’t sleep, not because I’m tired, not because I’m not tired, but because I have an Alani (energy drink) running through my blood and my heart is pumping who knows how many miles a minute. But, feeling it now, my hand on my chest on my heart, it’s not all that fast actually.
What I do is I sit here and I talk into a mic, reading the words that then are portrayed on the screen. I’m writing forget-me-naught, thinking of Joel, of the detective, of how the conversation would happen. And then I think of Cormac McCarthy, Stephen King’s On Writing…, Vonnegut, and of course Gaiman, and the favorite Bradbury. And then I push them as far away as I can, not because I don’t love their work, not because I wouldn’t mind their opinion, because I really really would, because I need to find faith in myself. I need to start trusting myself. And knowing whatever I do create and bring to this source, that I’m bringing it. With an amount of gusto that at least shares genuine aspects to who and what I truly am. I don’t think it’s fair for any of us to find faith in people and learn of examples that are led by those, to then find out that they were monsters and continuing to be monsters, knowing they were monsters.
I don’t know, maybe the statement is egregious but I’d rather find faith in someone who can be accountable for themselves and the actions that they do, regardless of anything outside of themselves. But then like Seneca and Aurelius I think of a hodgepodge quote, stating that if ourselves are offended by someone and feel like toting that blame in that anger of theirs or of them to others before doing so search within to see why what is it in ourselves that have us affected by these characters. I’ll go through my listed quotes and try to do a posting on the direct one that I’m referencing to later on.
I don’t know there’s a lot on my mind and I still have lots to do. So with that I bid adieu.
Playlist #0.19. Enjoi.
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May the day and night be graceful as it is bountiful. Thank you for the support and following.
Just one of those days trying to keep my head on my shoulders, keep my health up, and stop being negative. That is something that I realized it’s so easy to grasp, negativity, that is.
I’ll do everything I cannot to bring politics on to this site. Not something I want to step into or mitigate through the fire and brimstone that is politics. It’s just not something I like to focus on. My aim, as I’ve stated is really just trying to better myself as well as share what that betterment is aiding to, whether it be character, whether it be morality, ethical value, or the introspective of being appreciative for ourselves, of ourselves.
I’m tired, I’ve been tired, and with that being said I am going to be clocking out, I’ve got a lot of school to focus on that I need. Which I will address in trying to bring something of value to the page. School has been a very big thing for me especially lately, regardless of the health it definitely helps me build up a foundation for myself, especially leaning towards the future, I am more than elated that I am in my last year. I’m very very proud of that and I am really hoping I can give myself a good shockabuku to help me realign and bringing more focus to school. However that said I’m not going to be not doing this I just really really need to get some things about hawthorne, winthrop, American literature and how it changed from the making of 13 colonies and on, I really need to focus on that right now so…
Signing out.
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night you beautiful souls may you rest well, wake better than before and have a great day.
Again lots of school, lots of editing and part 2 of Forget-Me-Naught, I will be back I just really need to put my focus on myself for myself for my future in education.
The beauty of Jung’s concepts for the Five Pillars is contemporary, nearly fashionable in the respects of how this philosophy can be practiced, and how its focus is to the whole of each individual.
I, apparently got excited, and knowing the bit I’m familiar with of Jung’s Five Pillars I just jumped in and started focusing on the first pillar. This is all fine and dandy, if I wasn’t a student, wasn’t more entrenched in the totality of this concept, as I do believe it is a formidable way of building oneself.
Now that said and given life is to purpose, is to breathe, is to life, is to continue and on…What is the purpose of this site? Well, it is to affect one, maybe more, but if one can be helped, touched, moved, then the purpose is true.
Yes, I started this wanting to do the vlogging, with cooking and odd acting bits, op-ed discussions recorded and posted, bits of personal life with subjective narratives throughout, but life has its way in guiding doesn’t it, regardless of fate, dualism, choice, or philosophy, life has a funny way of bringing people to our door, our minds, and hearts in such a way that I’d be a fool not to question my reality. Or at the least pull back the layers to see where the bridge and tether of each person, icon, and talisman that create what we’ve become and are becoming to better understand.
But, let’s start with this. What is beautiful about Jung’s concepts is the duality of becoming or creating each pillar through our manifesting who we are through accepting that of the darkness we each carry and the light that brings a valued balance to us each individually.
There is this underlying in becoming aware of both aspects, both sides to the yin and yang of oneself. I find it profound that Jung aimed in being accountable for that, of the darkness within and how there’s a nurturing of that in knowing it’s there. The beauty of what separates Jung’s Pillars and the other philosophies is a call to being present of that awareness. Knowing we each have good days and bad with the occasional grey day hanging over us. But the power is knowing that we each carry a negative with us and that can’t always be hidden or ignored. Better yet it is in us to react not in a recoiling of that darkness within us, but to embrace it and use the power of that darkness as a fuel to better the light. The very addressing and knowing this I feel benefits the heart and knowing life isn’t always perfect, and rarely is, but us knowing ourselves and how we react to the adverse changes show that strength and show the character in us that brings a shining toward a collected and weighed advantage that can better us, you, and all included.
All that said, the goal and intention is, yes, to share art, to share stories, but to also share a lived perspective in aiming to be the best of ourselves. With practicing in using philosophical stances with Jung’s Analytical Theory and Stoicism, I’m personally excited as I feel it will benefit and I hope I do well grasping the lessons, sharing the findings, and the collective for being our best.
As to that, I do hope you all the best I will be signing out, hope you’re excited for part two of Forget-Me-Naught.
Playlist #0.18 Enjoi!
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May the night the morning and the day be graceful, effortless, and beautiful. I do truly mean that and I hope you carry that to the next person you talk to. Life is too short don’t forget.
Chimney frogging Christmas! My dearest apologies. I don’t know if it’s the MS that’s bad or I was just not paying attention when I was posting things earlier. I do apologize, though as I did edit and revise.
However, it’s still embarrassing, especially in the last couple weeks actually. Though I try to hold a steady front in being a-okay, but I’m missing pieces. There are bits of these sections within wanting to do the plans, wanting to finish through and oddly it doesn’t happen. I just kind of freeze up and go to doing something else forgetting about everything else that I had planned. And of course, not taking to the passion-planner or really anything, just kind of losing track in it all and damn it f****** sucks.
And that I think is the biggest thing that I need to keep in mind, if I push too much and pile on too much, all at once there’s this shaking of it, like a quick whip at a sheet, those thoughts and plans scattered to find a place it drifts to, but it’s in disarray.
It’s called brain fog. And for us MSers, it’s a double-edged blade.
For anyone who does have MS, that is multiple sclerosis any of the degrees of MS, or the myriad of many other neurodegenerative diseases, there are a few things that we all share. One that I found that I don’t know where all aspects it affects, but my grandfather has Parkinson’s and the MS but I’m seeing this very prevalent nuisance called brain fog, and when it trickles in it’s like having a frothing whisk in your brain.
And sadly, it’s different for everybody, it’s not something that I can share and say this is how it is for everybody, this is what’s going to happen, or mine is worse, others are better. It is a factor though that due to how it affects the brain, the brain fog, it affects more, it affects the liveliness and the legs, it affects the reaction time, it affects the duration of motivation, wanting, doing anything active, the duration of any of those actions are limited at best and it creates these driving for achieving pillar one of Jung’s, a salted, poisonous thorn that I’d like to remove.
Anyhow I’m signing out tonight I will be back tomorrow, I’ve got editing to do for Forget-Me-Naught Pt. 2, thinking about maybe doing an art aspect to the whole since I have been working on this for years, we’ll see.
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May you have a beautiful and gentle day, May the morning whisk you on gracefully, and the night comes to you effortlessly and in a pleasing manner. Stay safe and I’ll see you tomorrow, thank you.
So in the line of Jung’s first pillar; health and wellness, there’s a call for oneself to be present and aware. And I feel that a lot of people who call for meditation, call for balance, yoga, hell even just a spiritual investigation into oneself calls for tying a tether to the current situation. And though I can’t remember the person’s name on Master class talking about meditation, from what I remember there was this intentional relief that the speaker gave reminding us, reminding us that it’s okay to drift off through meditation or what have you, whatever it is that you’re using to meditate.
Which also, again I don’t have the Master Class anymore, and I forgot the name of the meditation instructor that was in the courses. And my memory is s*** I am so sorry. But one of my favorite things that this gentleman made sure to share, was that never ever is our mind empty, and it’s okay. To empty our mind is to shut down. At least that’s what I remember from the lessons.
But thinking about it, looking at my own life, looking at hell even my wife’s life, my mind is constantly reeling, not in a negative position mind you, simply just thinking, it’s not something that you can just siphon off into the distance where you can’t be aware of it. I guess you can if you don’t want to be aware, but to me I find out laughable. Life is too f****** beautiful and too precious for us to go by plugging ourselves in every minute of the day.
So anyhow Tuesday, a day that called for a lot of cooking, a lot of prepping, and a lot of planning. To which then opened up into a bit of a trip to the mall with the kids, and during all of it I made sure to be aware of the present. Making sure to hear my son chitter, or his belting screen, here are the laughter of my daughter and her buddy beside her, laughing maniacally, talking s*** about friends, and being presently cognizant of the Mrs driving and everything else going around, realizing to clear the mind, I don’t know if that’s something I’d ever want. I liked being able to grasp that earlier today. I like being able to go to the store with everything on my mind knowing I needed to do this, I need to do that, I need to talk to my professor, I need to go and finish the report, there’s so many other things I need to do, but at the same time there’s this call to be present in the moment because you may not be able to have an opportunity to go and make enchiladas again.
And that that’s what I was making, enchiladas, gluten-free enchiladas on top of that and everything was homemade, but the thing is there was something about being present, and having my hands and mind and feet busy, though all of it hurt, there’s something reveling to be had in the joys of just being alive. And that’s something just through the first pillar which, guaranteed I’m nowhere near yet getting into the deepness of it, it seems that to be aware, and to be appreciative of the everyday monotony is what brings that simple happiness. And that’s the thing does the happiness need to be overwhelming, does it need to be coded in Gold adorned and glitter with a red carpet rolled out for us? Or can we really just find happiness and doing the little things?
These are just thoughts that come through, all the time most of the time, and I like to share that journey of coming to the conclusion, coming to an understanding, or just a discovery on my own.
But I will call to all that do make a point to read or come back and like or follow. Consider the little things in life, and be present and knowing that those little things become that foundation for the bigger things of life. It seems that in finding a grasp on the present, being able to enjoy those little bits of happiness, help happiness to become so much easier in grasping throughout the day, and for that, throughout life.
Enjoi Playlist #0.17
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night you wonderful supportive people. I do appreciate the coming back, and the support.
Now please please if you would share, follow, and like.
Little music shout out to a specific song, one that I have found hasn’t left my Spotify collection and still acts as a Oodie for a fragile heart given the time in life. But let’s be real, life is tricky to manage, a trial of excursions repeated to see where we fall and where we wipe the dust off to go ahead venturing on. I may not be associated with religion, but my heart and its spirit bloom daily, wanting to shine as I hope you all do the same.
And yes I’m belting it out like I know the operatic style! Enjoi.
So I ask that you keep your head up and keep pushing forward! You’ve got this.
C’est La Vie
As I stated over and again I truly hope your morning day and the night to come is graceful, effortless, and as gentle as a summer rain.
I’d like to wish a happy earth day to all, may we learn ways to rectify what we’ve drained from our home.
Good afternoon, or whatever time it is wherever it is that you find yourself. Pretty sure I’ve got over fatalism a time or two at least in respects to just life in the way things delve into well, this. Two years ago this was an idea, though it was grandiose and obviously ill planned, I kept with it and continued with it. Thankfully I have some continuing readers and supportive bloggers and others like-minded that come back to like and I appreciate it. I am so appreciative of any of the support that I have acquired since I started this, and sadly there has been a friend or two that have been missed, or forgotten, however I strive on and I will continue to do this.
I also had never planned on becoming an amateur editor for Mr. John Walker, and that alone not regarding what I’m doing here is a treasure if not so much more than that. I am more than grateful for everything that I’ve been able to acquire since I truly started doing the things I want.
And this isn’t some nihilistic attitude. It more or less has aligned into following the practices of the Five Pillars for happiness in line with what I’ve perceived from Carl Jung.
We have an insurmountable range of choices every single day, and I have made sure that every day and on and on, I continue to strive for not only lights, being good, but striving and doing the things that I have always wanted to do. And as a reader you may think that means jumping off the empire State building with a parachute, flying an airplane, hunting sasquatch, meeting famous people, but it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong those things would be nice, but since I was a kid I wanted to be a dad, to be a husband, a good cook, writer, artist, and singer. With the addition of any other things that contributed to what I just listed that I found that tickled my heart and brought me to life. In my past I’ve made some decisions that still have me kicking myself for being so damn foolish and impulsive, but again, we can choose to learn from these deliberations, or continue to make the same decisions that have brought us problems again and again. I choose to make a choice that brings change, light, and betterment. I just need to get the gumption to say no with confidence in my inflections.
And that’s why I am writing today and also with the intention of kind of leaning into the first pillar for that of the mental space that we need to make sure we coax into accepting our changes for ourselves. As a husband, and dealing with the 80% leave her the f*** alone and 20% be there whenneeded, I try diligently to walk with my shoulders strong, head high, not letting the dichotomy dichotomy of the household relationship for both my wife and I to be cordial.
I believe the biggest importance of maintaining wellness whether it’s in body or mind takes on a calling for the perception of how we let the world around us affect us. I can choose to be miserable, I can choose to be anguish, or like many of us, honestly likely most of us, it seems that we know we can choose to be happy for the loves that we have, the people that keep us warm, and the love we hold dear. It’s a choice, and I strive to aim towards a more genial and positive outlook.
So for one it is a meaningful expose for that of a person aiming to do right with every effort leading towards detriment. It’s an egregious telling of choice and consciousness in our efforts. Are we always so sure what we’re doing is the best for everyone? Or is it just the things quietly and subconsciously wanted? Is it the white lie we tell ourselves doing this into thinking happiness is right around the corner? I want to journey through that investigation, what created the chaos that the detective Rachel is trying to pull from joel, what is the box in its entirety, and if he’s admitting about the death of his own brother but denying that any of the three that are known to be dead are solely due to his choosing and his action, what are the details? And this is something that I would love to eventually encapsulate the titled site name Dream Dark Stories.
On a weekly basis, likely Sunday night/Monday morning, there will be a new part to Forget-Me-Naught. And though I have some ideas about the detective and having her own story outside of what we’re reading in Forget-Me-Naught, any other additional story that isn’t to do with Forget-Me-Naught, is going to drop sporadically. As for now I’m still trying to build up a bit of a base and some more supporters but still leading with the intention of wrapping up a small anthology collection of whatever it is I’ve provided within the last year.
And with that I bid adieu. May your night, morning, day be forever grace with light and wonder.
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. I truly would like to take a moment and thank every single person that has come to read, has come to take a gander even if for a minute, I am grateful and honored to know that I’m at least doing something enough that it calls to someone. And I thank you for that I do wish you a blessed day, or night.
† These are the recordings of Joel D. Braunagh. Patient #19-374222. Case #9119 Det. Milton # 617
Discussions encase “the box”, admittance of guilt to victims: Brother -Michael Braunagh, Wife – Celeste Braunagh, Daughter – Zappy Braunagh
Date/Time – May 11th, 2009, 8:00 p.m. –
Pt. #19-374222 J.D.Braunagh
Discussion 1
-+-Good evening Mr. Braunagh, I know you’ve met me before but just for the record I am Detective Rachel Milton the time is currently 8:01 p.m. on May the 11th 2009. Now Joel Braunagh, we will be going over all the details you can give to us about, well about what happened and why it keeps happening. The department as well as the attorney general are wanting a detailed recollection of everything that happened so when you’re ready and comfortable let’s start from the top or when things developed into what we’ve been cleaning up after. Is that okay?
-+-Before we start can I offer you a drink? We’ve got coffee and water, I think we still have some Pepsi too in the break room.
— No. Sorry, no, thank you.
‡Shuffling, papers rustling, a heavy sigh, Braunagh flicks at a zippo. **static**
— I can’t believe this is f****** happening.
-+-Mr. Braunagh, if we could start with what happened. How did your brother die, what was it that had both your wife and daughter parish and why is the coroner reporting that it’s an unknown for cause of death.
— It was the box.
-+-Excuse me? Can you repeat that, it sounded like you said the box did it.
— And it did.
-+-Explain that to me Braunagh, where’s this box? What is the box? And please do tell me what a box could do to make you kill your wife, daughter and brother? I have it hard to believe that line of shit, that a box is capable of that, especially when it’s not in our evidence documented, we have nothing of substance with this so called box nor is it mentioned in the hundreds of manifesto-like writings we found in your basement. But the assumption is the forget me…forgive me not, was the box? Right?
— It’s Forget-Me-Naught.
-+-Okay, thank you, ‘the forget-me-naught’. Would you at the least, tell us what drove you to create this box.
‡Silence, he shifts, stares at the floor lifting his shoes, self-soothing by continuously rubbing legs, and hands, alternating from legs to hands with each inquiry.
— Let me start with this question Detective, does it show that my wife and I had a child before our little girl?
‡shuffling, rifling through papers, heavy sigh, tapping of shoes.
-+-Yes, Mr. Braunagh. His name was Luke right?
— Hmm, right.
-+-Truly, I’m sorry for your loss Mr. Braunagh, how old was Luke?
— Luca. Luca Ronaldo Braunagh, he was nine. I’m betting you knew this though yeah? Is this just you trying to build up a rapport detective? How many times do you think I’ve gone over this? Let alone how long it took? Years!!! It took years before I wasn’t considered the pariah for all that happened. Child Killer is what they called me. Did you know that? They’d shout it, especially when the news had just come out about him and those flashing lights shrouding our house for days on end. He died on the mountain, up on Beulah. But the whole town did a great job in making it feel that he died everywhere we were seen. Even your department. You couldn’t wait to throw me down, making me out to be a wretched dad, an abusive parent to the two, and Zappy being in utero at the time didn’t make anything easier for my wife. We were lucky just to have had Zappy, but none of you let that be a celebration. Did you? What was it the headlines said detective?
— Baby Two? Will He Do IT Again?
–Right? What the f*** do you think is going to happen? What do you think happened to my wife? What the hell do you think happened to us after all of that? None of the department, you, the fire department, anybody at either of the hospitals in town, you looked at my wife like she was the fool and me like the villain, it couldn’t possibly be a f****** accident could it?
-+-Okay Mr. Braunagh
— Just call me Joel, jesus I’m not a father anymore remember? Just Joel. Honest, just keep it with the first name or you’re not going to get s*** from me.
-+-Okay…absolutely Joel, you’ve got it. Now that we’ve got that on the table, will you tell me what happened how did the passing of Luca, and what the city did, which I’m not forgiving anybody’s behavior but how did that affect everything after? We need to know. Bad enough we’re beaten back reporters and as many journalists as I’ve ever seen flooding the police department. You definitely f****** put our town on the map Joel. So how about you give us the benefit of the doubt and you tell us, tell me what happened.
— Fine detective Milton, do you mind if I smoke?
-+-As long as you’re willing to continue to discuss in detail what happened and how, I don’t see why not.
‡Braunagh removes pack of Djarum Black – 12 count cigars, removes one cigar, lights up with Zippoconversation cont.
— It was those f****** shoes, his mom got him these goofy designed shoes, they had uh…what’s, what’s it’s name, that yellow guy with the, the star friend, umm SpongeBob, and Pat or something. Anyway, he had boots and I swore I thought I asked him to put em on before we had gone on the hike, I didn’t think to look down and double check before we left and it…well it’s shale up there you know? It’s Beulah, shale everywhere, the entire god-damned towns bottom shelf is, god! Everything is f****** shale.
-We had been hiking up for about three hours and finally stopped for a snack. It was right next to what was kind of a cliff-off area on the mountain where it dropped a good couple hundred feet and below you can see the the stream that ran through the mountain. Luca, was, well Luca was looking down at the water and trying to get me to come over and look, I took forever getting up and while that was happening he just kind of kept shifting, hoppin in that same area. I kept telling him to wait and quit jumping like a rabbit, that he was too close to the edge and I, I…I moved over to him, I could hear something but I didn’t know where it was coming from, I didn’t, I wasn’t thinking and the ground from under him just moved it just dropped and him with it. I lunged my arms out but he was already gone. I panicked, scaled down more so, kind of rolled down breaking my leg and arm from where the shale pieces and him had fallen but finally got to him.
–He…*gulp*he…it was so quiet, I called out to him go bling to him and I saw his hand, it was the only part of him not bloodied and maimed by the rock and fell to move the rock as quickly as I could but…f***…he wasn’t stirring, and there was so much blood. I knew then…I’d lost him, my baby died and I was too f****** slow to catch him, to lazy to be up with him to keep him far enough away from the edge…*sniff* *sniff*f****** crap how many times do I have to relive this, like I’ve told every single person, investigator and journalist, reporter, and dick it was a f****** accident. And it’s a weight and a burden! I have to carry every f****** day. Every minute through my core and it burns inside like a smoldering iron so thanks for that Rachel.
— I need a f****** minute.
-+-Joel, I really do apologize I wasn’t trying to rehash that, I can’t imagine what that’s…
— It’s darkness. It’s a complete void of nothing, do you have kids Rachel? You don’t mind me calling you Rachel do you? Or do you need me to call you detective? The question remains, do you have kids?
-+-I don’t think that matters to the discussion Joel we need to figure out what happened I’m sorry for rehashing Lucas passing and having to go over that again but I need the details. I need to be able to tell my Captain that there was a justified reason for convicting you of one death and not three, the coroner has no idea how your wife and daughter died, there’s no sign of malicious intent unless self-inflicted, other than that there’s no sign that you killed them and I need to find out what happened joel, you need to tell me or else I’m not going to be able to help you and I’m the only one on your side right now unless you want to call in a lawyer.
— Then answer the question Rachel. Do you have kids?
-+-Yes. Yes, I have a boy, a little boy he’s five and my girl is 13. I’m not giving you the other names so don’t ask or we can stop the conversation right now.
— Thank you. That’s all I needed to know. You have kids at least, so you can likely imagine what it would be like to have one of those kids just be erased gone to never grow, to never learn anything new, to never fall in love with whomever they choose to, find songs that they had never heard before that rattles their bones and shakes their heart, books to never be read and journeyed through knowing the authors, and the art, all they can’t ever be given to them ever ever again. I’ll never be able to show my son favorite films, my wife and I will never be able to show our son the places where we fell in love, where we found his name, there’s so many things that were halted the moment all of that happened to Luca. And there’s nothing that can be done to get that back so what do you think happened to my wife? If it wasn’t for Zappy being born the year before Luca died guaranteed our relationship would have completely eradicated itself through his loss. But we did have Zappy, and for a time it kept us tethered, but only for a time.
— I started investigating as much as I can, I got my hands in as many volumes of popular mechanics, American scientific, a myriad of other Science and tech magazines that I used to create something. But what I didn’t know, I’m a toy maker, I make things that spin for about a minute or two, little cars that wind up and can go up walls, puppies that can jump in your pocket I make toys, so I tinkered and tailored and tinkered and tailored and and just kept going and going while this is happening not realizing that Celeste above, all the projects I was doing right now at the time I was in the basement, and I’d be down there for days sometimes, completely absolved in creating something that could help us. Maybe like a memory box was the thought, something to put everything we could think of about him into to keep it and keep it safe was the idea but again I wasn’t focusing on her I was focusing on just stopping the pain. And I try to tell myself that that was enough in focusing on her, but f*** f*** f*** f***. I’m sorry, this is just, I, I haven’t even had an opportunity to say goodbye to them!!! I said goodbye to my brother, and we’ll cross that road when we get to it,but I never had a goddamn opportunity to kiss my wife goodbye or my child. Can I have that at least. You’re having me talk about everything that happened and I haven’t had the time to process half of it but even a f****** quarter, let me say goodbye to my babies. And I will tell you everything. But right quick your sorry ass needs to understand that I never had any intention on harming any of them, not one. It was the f****** box.
-+-Okay, after talking with the Captain and D.A., we have agreed to your request, we will continue the discussion tomorrow at 8:00 p.m. Thank you, they’ll take you to your quarters now.
–Mm hmm…
–Detective Milton, before they usher me out, you’re telling me, seriously, in evidence, the box isn’t there? I mean it, I need to know, it needs to be demolished, immediately. Please Detective, I promise I will tell you everything I just need you to do that for me please.
-+-Sure Joel, I’ll look into it, Captain’s not going to like it but I’ll take a look see what I can get, to info though give and I’ll make sure you know tomorrow. Have a good night Joel.
Scribed May 11th, 2009 -9:13 p.m. signed: R. T. Milton
Originally, I had thought that maybe the health and mental wellness for pillar one of Carl Jung’s would take approximately a week. However I didn’t connect the totality of being the stay-at-home dad about 24/7, school, which I totally bombed the report I should have done, and the actual health of my friend John whose memories we’ve been editing and writing together. It’s a lot, and there are times where I think it’s not because I take into account the time where I relax a little bit, whether it’s watching a show with my wife, going outside to play with the dogs and my son, reading, art, writing the blog even, to an extent I connect it to an extracurricular activity. The thing is it’s so much more than that isn’t it? Taking the time, being cognizant of taking that time to be with my son, to be with my wife, to build up the relationship with the dogs, especially Lobo Blanco, that camaraderie is needed. And though it is the parts of my life that are more than incessant as in they are right there all the time, not counting of course my wife the teacher who’s busy all times. Taking care of that a family and the connections that are maintained and strong, they, in tow with staying on top of it, being conscientious of being a part of everybody else that you’re involved with, it genuinely does feel good. Shouldn’t it feel good?
There are aspects to the questions asked above that do have to do with the five pillars especially when considering the ties to friendship, family, a resilience within ourselves that are tied to the aspects outside of the home that we each carry with us wherever we go. And of course we will get there but I didn’t think about how very prevalent and quite honestly absolutely obvious that bodily health and mental health both need to be paired together and of course with that said, there needs to be a cognizant attribution to how we acquire this knowledge and continue with it and taking care of our health both for our body and our mind.
That said, Google’s Balance does help, however I don’t go to it enough, or use it consecutively throughout the myriad of many many weeks that have flown by to say that Google’s Balance is variable that can actually be counted as a stone to be used. It is a great variable to see if it can be used for you, when I plug in with my headphones, what I want to hear is music, or if I’m watching a show what’s to pair with that show. Now if I want a mental health coaching and massaging to an ego That should be tamed and the variables that make me I don’t know hard to deal with or make me just the character to be ?? It leaves me with a I don’t know. But with that being mentioned I do know that Google’s balance does help and has helped, it does slow my rate down it does have me think within and watch and question my actions and why is this what upsets me, why is this and the words that were told or directed towards me, why is that affecting me so? And that there is why I’m talking today, I feel that for everyone, the reader, not reader, YouTube streamer, the many that do the Doom scrolling every day, those that are watching the today show tomorrow morning, the people that have the CNN News ticker on the screen all day everyday with the monotonous tone of news report after news report after news report, for everyone, and yes even you. I feel that it is in us, ourselves and in knowing the self that drives you, me, us forward and has us all looking up. It’s the awareness that we can be better, and to sweeten that pot the wanting to be better, wanting to be something that is an adversary no matter what darkness is faced to you and yours. It’s being able to acquire the knowledge, and acquire the resilience to know the difference from the actions before that defeated you and the actions in the future that will better you and all that you touch. To which is why I think the first pillar is the biggest one that needs to be focused on. That mental health is one of the biggest things that truly truly needs to be completely have a responsibility for. But of course this is just my thoughts, and this is my thinking with everything else going on in my life but still it’s mine, or is it, is it Jung? Is it the reading or a collection of thought that in the collective accrued a variable that matched a feeling within?
But that’s it isn’t it? Even with Carl Jung there is that kind of call to trusting yourself, trusting your gut, that intuition, and knowing there’s more or that the substantive evidence that you having in your hand can be used to better everything you do from here on out. But then again I come from a view of light, I know the world is shrouded in darkness, at least I’m aware that s*** is hitting the fan all around us, that chaos is at the door half the time, and the thing that has me gripped, having me stand here resolute not moving, posting everyday, is knowing life is too damn short and too damn beautiful to not give a f***. I do apologize for my frankness to anybody reading and finding this rude. This is an op-ed piece. Most if not all of what I write in my daily Post is just that. Because that’s life and it comes with feelings and he comes with her reaction and may our action is to share the feelings the intention thought perceived and what I think could be better. Doesn’t mean I’m right it doesn’t mean I’m wrong, it simply means I have an opinion like an a****** which everybody has and mostly everybody stinks. At least I haven’t met somebody with an a****** that smells like roses, you?
Anyhow I do apologize for the curt addressing, I am also editing ‘Forget-Me-Naught REDUX Pt. 1’ and trying to get that dropped shortly after I post this so forgive me. I do wish you well and do hope you come back to read a story I’ve been working on for a long time this is probably edition 82, personally I think it may work and I’m really hoping for an opinion from any of the readers that come by all means please share. And I hope you love the music as always.
Playlist #0.15 – Enjoi
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night to all of you, to every person, whether you’re reading this or not, whether you give a crap or not, I wish you well and I hope you have a wonderful night and a wonderful morning with the day that’s graceful and pleasant. Till tomorrow.
I am going to be making a segway today as I’m just realizing a big part of me and the things that aid, fuel, inspire, and move me are cinematic explorations and I’ve never shared this. I love the riveting narratives, or phenomenal character dynamics, the scripts that make palms sweat, and the nuances to the allegories that bring fiction barring down hard on reality with a peculiar meta relevance.
The thing is though, like my music tastes, my movie and TV/streaming interests stretch through from silent films, to the Hitchcockian and Sterling Craze of the 50s and 60s. Growing up on OG Trek repeats, Matlock, Perry Mason, and Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack…because I was with my grandparents a lot growing up. Especially my Granny. But then on the home front growing up, religion was a force in the home bringing a lot of rules and siphoning off a large collection of things I never watched including things like Ace Ventura (never seen, and likely won’t).
I remember the biggest change though, it was 1999, 2000 when we were living in Washington, Marysville. I remember the VHS in the bookcases of that house with titles like Swingers, titles like Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Dark City, and 12 Monkeys, The Matrix, in the myriad of others that looking back at it now, those are the titles I can remember, those are the ones that I knew were the adult only. Looking back at it it’s laughable but not why I’m here today to talk.
The more freedom I met growing up, the more adventurous with film I became appreciating the B films available at Walmart and the wide array available at the rental store or my Grandma’s well organized VHS library found throughout her house.
The thing is I found that I loved this style of story telling and truly started appreciating movies, shows, and shorts. Now you may be asking what this has to do with Carl Jung and the Five Pillars, and you know what? The fact is that when it comes to the mental health and balance, I think that’s where we really need to go on that introspective search and find the things that truly help us calm down aside from meditation or using balance with Google. I think it’s best that we kind of create a hybrid adjustment to how we balance and soothe ourselves in a conscientious manner. For me it’s been film and even the silver screen, I do appreciate TV, as a matter of fact I’ve been a massive fan of Serenity, Hannibal,Mentalist, Sherlock Holmes, and the likes of many many a TV show. As of late I’ve been getting into Canadian comedy and have heavily relied on the humor of the British persuasion because well from what my wife says I’m not Mexican. So why not roll with the punches, I guess. Sorry, I digress, that’ll be a discussion for another day.
Playlist #0.14, * Dilruba remix is a great addition for cleaning, especially those damn finicky dishes and the laundry monster
C’est la vie
Good night and good morning I do Cherish having capability honor of being able to provide whatever it is I do, and even I think I’m trying to figure out that well also going through life and realizing being a stay-at-home parent especially the kind of sales I want I mean a lot more involved and trying to adjust that is taking some time so I do apologize. And if she was a gentle day against the night and gentle sleep hours of darkness.
I’ve found that I do love me some british comedy like Black Books, Ghosts, Fawlty Towers, and The IT Crowd. However I appreciate the American replicants like that of The Office and Ghosts, but that’s where that kind of halts as other remakes have been too closely similar to the original UK versions that it leaves the viewer nearly jaded.
But why I’m here today is due to the Paramount’s Ghosts and the affect Hetty’s story had on me. Rebecca Wisocky is the beloved actress that exemplifies the evolving of her character.
As a viewer there’s this hanging knowledge that Flower, the aloof hippie, is stuck in a well on the property. Sadly Thors lamenting, still vying for his lost love leaves her discovery for the other ghosts til the fifth episode of season three. After some discussions and missed words help them realize Flower never got sucked off and very much is there. It’s an exciting time as we see the group finally being reunited, but with another problem already at the front. Ghosts and holes are bad.
The rules for walls and floors are perplexing for the ghosts, leaving the daunting of getting out of the well a task to be hurried. Especially after finding out Sam and Jay, the living, have paid their contractor, Mark to fill the well with concrete. This calls for quick action which brings to light the true reason Hetty passed away and is still stuck on the property. Originally Hetty often remarks about morphine and coke, drugs that were popular in use of her time, alluding to an overdose even saying how too much Morphine was the cause of her passing.
But it wasn’t. We’re led to this discovery that Hetty felt trapped due to actions created with illegal child labor laws, a son that she was trying to save, and trying to find freedom within a cage that had no exit, least that she couldn’t see.
Hetty decided to use a rope. There was a triggering to the discovery for me, not in a drastic and debilitating manner at all, I was just deeply moved by that feeling trapped, feeling that there’s no way to light, no friends, no avenue and upon realizing the action of suicide this haunting reality that Hetty would likely never get sucked off.
Anyhow this is a first in what may become more of sharing of scenes and impactful moments on the screen for viewers. We’ll see.
I’m running out of time and gave up editing as I have had a busy last couple days.
But looking at The First Pillar: and the Mental health, I feel that maybe that’s the addition that’s needed. We’re to find those aspects in the simplicity of life, the nuance that drives the story beneath what’s originally seen. It’s us to see life and find the light of our perception right?
Playlist #0.13
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. Good morning and good night you lovely and supportive viewers. Thank you. Til tomorrow.8
Mental health is definitely a big deal and I respect those that understand this and know that it takes wisdom and a conscientious effort in making sure we each respect that benefit of willpower to making sure that we are better for ourselves.
Sadly I don’t know if it’s the stresses of life, marriage the wantings of life love and the pursuit of happiness, the consistent and persistent my gosh journey for happiness and quality within ourselves, I wish I knew, truly I wish it was something that I can fully understand but with the few books I’ve read in the handful of philosophies I found myself to lean towards or agree with it still seems that the year 2024 most of us are trying to figure it out still most theories are continuing in trying to find a grasp.
But it seems that with the incessant and clear knowledge that change is a complete relevant matter, as it is one of the constants, that is, when it comes to our emotions; our well-being, the routine, the getting familiar. When that changes, depending on who you are and how your upbringing, whether society melded you or nurturing hands did, the manifestation of oneself within the matter of change, is all going to depict a different story. Meaning: every time we’re faced with that adversity of life-changing, say a divorce, the death of a family member, the loss of the family dog that takes months, months, and months to find but still the search goes on. It calls for an adapting, a growing, but to say you’re done learning and to say you’re done growing is only and not being able to see the avenues where you can grow or learn.
Personally, my head space…needs some love, a tending to the trimmings within, but, it also ties to my overall health where there are blots of space in my brain that have died. Hmmm? I stick with it I guess right? We find the issues we can and rely on the ability of our minds to see the mistakes repeated and then make an effort to change, to avoid the routines that have mucked up the path of each.
I use Memento Mori, Balance, and maintain my artistic continuing with writing, poetry, and art.
Speaking of…hope this is enjoyed.
Untitled – M. R. Vega, Caran D’ache NEOCOLOR II AQUARELLE
I guess that’s what it is when life is life, you see points of action, or a need to address things to be taken care of and we react. Whether that reaction comes with a positivity or that of the negative I think it’s on each of us. Not only that it calls to being accountable and not blaming everything else in your world for the things that are affecting or creating this beguiling in life. And I know I say that with a myriad of complaints or yapping about struggles but that’s also what I’ve been kind of addressing just fact that there’s such a difficulty to maintaining and continuing on one path. Anyhow this is certainly a late edit and drop I thank you very much.
C’est La Vie
I truly appreciate you, just for coming and glancing even for a moment. And to everyone I do wish a very wonderful morning and blessed good night. And to those a good night and a graceful morning to come.
As discussed this week I’m focusing on finding a decent routine for Jung’s First Pillar, aiming to create a healthy mind-space and to aid my body to be in sync with one another, and find that equilibrium to always be able to catch myself.
Like I said the biggest aspect that calls for managing is time and consistency with my health. If I push too hard, I’ll be out for days, too exhausted and fatigued to do enough for being a better self. But I’ve gained some traction and am feeling confident.
Now, I’ve found some good methods to stay active and maintain my agility, I’m still figuring out what’s too much and what’s going to work and that’s great, but let’s focus on the big thing. The mind.
I prefer the idea of self actualization which I know pairs more with Maslow’s hierarchy…but that’s for another time. I do feel that they tie together though, both Maslow’s and Jung’s philosophy aim for happiness,at least a variation of that. Sorry, I digress.
I want my mind to be whole, to be connected from one hemisphere to the next, to not be so convoluted and discombobulated as I feel most days, this is a need that calls for training.
Even through PT (physical therapy) for the MS there’s a reminding that we need to communicate with the whole of our mind and the appendages we rely on, I try, but then… Ever see UP and the goofy Labrador Dug?
That’s what I’ve found I struggle with internally when trying to slow and meditate for the sake of my mind. I’ve restored to using Google’s Balance. I don’t use it often enough but when I do, I’m reminded to write, to draw, and sketch, to paint, to sing, and dance like my heart wants. Through meditation, like reading I’m reminded I’m more than a dad and a husband that I am myself and I pay to that acknowledgement by allowing myself to enjoy what I create.
Today I share some poetry, tomorrow art, and within the week Joel and his wife in Forget-Me-Naught, Detective Adams in Stuck, and Mrs. Nogare in a revised ‘A Student and a Question’.
What comes to mind?
Playlist #0.11
Hope you enjoy the poems and the music.
Close
The lamenting and grief, the darkness that undertakes a remorse unseen.
Remorse, remorse, show your recoiling, show an utter rejection to the becoming.
You call to the blight, to the vapid sponge of heart, slay away the wonder, deny the tender.
Nay, slam shut forgiveness, hold your hate, it stokes your fire, let it feed you to your heart’s desire.
Bring damnation, vilify the work, that effort, take me and be done. But be no more, fall to the shadow, fall to the dark, let it be.
Finding Isolation
The quiet alarm, fingers tingle, and voices emit from the hundred screens, the conversations a tit for tat with smiles for laughs.
There’s that music stealing and that constant barking, the haunting reminding that there comes dying. That quiet alarm, grab at the tree, grab at the fog, grab for a darkened bitter to shake the heart awake, bring a cognizant hate for what it can never be. And that it has to be.
Take the steps, take it to own, that conversation unknown, now come to shudder and think how it’d be with no one, some one, some thing other than the shadow it gives, the image a snarl that gleams through the washing of mirrors, of the reflection to that unknown.
Repeat
I stumble, no, I fall to perish alone, I fall to become my own. I stand not knowing my left from right.
Whether I’m coming or going, I wouldn’t know, wrapped within this ouroboros, all for a tomorrow that will never grace us.
History repeats mistakes like the undead, to come again, again, again, again, again.
Striving to commit, aiming for the arrow atop Mount Sinai, only to tumble, and carry over to repeat.
Repeat, again, repeat again. The repetition becomes a coaxing measure that keeps me here, keeps me going like the pinked ears on the screen.
To repeat again.
Up
We don’t look up, do we never take the time to take a glance? Through the night the silence envelops, caresses, and I ask that you tilt your head back to embrace the Moon, let it reverberate through the electric sensation I sense from afar.
I howl with that glow, howl for the scent of your fingers reaching up toward the guiding light, I howl.
My bones ache, the heart it swells and I yearn for you. Can we look up to that Moon, to the light it has etched for the trail ahead? May we look up to feel one another, may we look up to be connected, to feel the electric, the sensations that wrestle with nature? Let us look up together so I may see your heart.
I howl to the moon, to feel you, to breathe in the fading essence of beauty and love, I howl to the moon, to the moon for you. I howl.
To Tell
I’d like to say I’m sorry, that I knew what I was doing, that the cage I put myself in was alabaster and gleaming decorated and comfortable.
I would love to tell you that I’m free, that this cage though translucent has me feeling the surroundings.
I would love to tell you.
That the opaque aire has me reminiscent of ancient time, a memory far stolid and etched within my grain.I
I Would Love to tell.
C’est la vie
Good night, and very much a good morning. Good morning and what a phenomenal night to come. I truly hope the best for anyone that ever breathes, and pray that life is gracious and effortless and making it yours.
Life doesn’t just throw a lemon, life throws a weight that comes with a fear I feel I’m too familiar with, especially in the last few years. But I’ll address that in the morning to come. Back to the first pillar and goals I’ll share for if they work and how the MS works with or against the goals. I have noticed the productivity comes with complications, whether it’s ADHD or the MS, likely both, I’ll try to take account in mitigating this and finding further clarity. Now…Productivity and my efforts…these two are like oil and water. They should pair together, you would assume that they would. It’s one of the few things, scratch that, it’s one of the new things I found to create those productive plans and have found that, though the intention is there and the proof of intention is written, there’s the implementing said action and finalization. This is where I shake. It’s where my mind shifts, and when I realize it, I’m an hour and a half into a new project or continuation of something far from the initial wanting.
So, tell me if I’m losing it, but I’ve been going to bed when I’m tired, usually around 12:00 a.m., maybe 1:00 a.m. and have set a group of early alarms from 5:00 am to 5:15 a.m. each morning starting last week. note: I do take minute catnaps through the day, but enjoy being on my feet.
So to focus on Pillar One and the routine I plan on using this awake time in the early morning to bring a more focused heart and mind to doing Tai Chi, stretching and a portion of small workouts then to starting my day.
I try to set a general plan for the whole of the week starting at Monday
The intention is in maintaining a core strength and a vitality for the mind. It’s something I yearn for as I’d like to be in sync with life and that of what’s around me.
We’ll see how it goes.
More Music. I hope you Enjoy!
Playlist #0.10
C’est la vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and goodnight. Again for anybody who does ever come to dream dark stories, one I apologize that there aren’t very many stories as of yet, same with the art, life comes with its changes, the only constant in our lives. Anyhow I appreciate all of you, I love the support and truly love that there are some and I hope more to come that always come back to either check in or just see what’s going on thank you.
I tried introducing my son to Cloudkicker, and eventually he’s grown to enjoy a large array of their songs. But there’s one specifically that resonates with me, and most especially when I see my boy close his eyes to the song while it permeates through the wood and cushion of the home. Lately some news has come and it has me rattled a bit but I try to find strength from the music and the inclination of the rhythms. Become bigger and find that strength in knowing you are a giant, so I share:
Dream Dark Stories 