Hi-ho and hello.
Okie dokie everybody, this is going to be tonight’s documentation of exactly what is happening. My wife is fast asleep, the teenager/child/person-who-thinks-they-are-an-adult, and my little guy are also fast asleep. As a matter of fact, even the dogs are asleep, I am now outside in the shed, quietly smoking, with music softly playing. Unbeknownst to me my neighbors (though I should have known, given the f****** neighbor was mowing the lawn this morning and they never do that unless they’re having company), I mentioned this because of the pillar. The second pillar; Good personal and intimate relations, such as those of marriage, family, and friendships. Yeah, that.
I’m grateful that what they’re doing over there, I’m not necessarily a part of, I’m also grateful that I get to more or less observe. However, I’m also doing this from at least 75ft maybe 100 ft away, they’re, I think, in the back patio section of their backyard with a projector, whereas I am on the opposite side of my yard in that shed of mine.
So first I’d like to address that I don’t get it. I get the camaraderie, the affinity for sports and friendship, I guess on the analytic perspective; I don’t get what calls to being around so many people, so many emotions.
And I’m well aware that I’m kind of saying this out of my ass, as the simple fact is I came from a family of seven, with a s*** ton of people on both sides. I love the family reunions, and I love family get togethers, so why is the idea of a bunch of friends getting together to watch a sport something I cannot equate? To me, just the idea of it, makes me uncomfortable.
Hearing the blase type of conversation, heavily supporting one team member to another foe of said team, supportive affirmations and talks back and forth. It doesn’t stimulate my mind and I hate that it doesn’t. What bothers me, is not that I think anything less of them, I just don’t get it, and I used to. I used to play sports, loved playing sports, nowadays the sensation and feelings are just not there. I’d rather watch a show with someone, have a riveting debate over thought and perspective. And I get that this idea that does excite, can translate to a parallel of what I’m questioning, so what has me cringe at the hoots and hollars of praise for a game won?
Maybe, it’s sad, maybe it sucked, maybe it’s just not something that’s interesting to me. I don’t know but it’s still something that has me wondering if I’m broken.
I can’t help but laugh at that, near hysterically, I am broken, in a literal health sense; I am.
The game is won, some apparently lost, though they didn’t play, I question this connection, it’s just a game. Right? And how did someone lose, being on the back patio of a friend, watching a game? It’s rhetorical. I just smile and shake my head.
This is the surprising factor, where, and what changed in my life, that I’m unmoved and only question how?
I continue to smoke, listen to the recaps of game plays, retorts to fans of the losing team, the jeering from the winning team fans, and inquiries for more drinks, more smoke, more, and more.
Maybe this is loneliness; perhaps this is depression, feeling isolated, withdrawn, sad, f***.
Whoa, okie-dokie, this is something to get a bit more investigative here and peel back at what I’m questioning and why, I guess.
Finding some resolve for my second pillar is going to take time. Lots…
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. Thank you for the support, I do know I have Forget-Me-Naught Pt. 4, it’s being edited and will be
in the morning as will more art and poetry. Thank you and may the day carry you swiftly and gently.
Nosce Te Ipsum
Dream Dark Stories 