Hi-ho and hello.
Do you ever have those mornings when you wake up, look to the left, the right, down at your toes, back up to the ceiling, and beg your eyes to find darkness again?
As of late, I have found that I tend to use this as a meditative release. There’s something about the talking, the mic, the editing, the sharing hoping that it’s something relatable, hoping that any reader sees and goes ‘crap I thought I was the only one’…
But here’s the thing multiple sclerosis is a twat. The morning started out great, I had finished my school stuff, had finished the story, I was motivated. So motivated that I ended up wanting to make a home cooked school lunch dinner. Which means handmade breaded gluten free chicken tenders, super-silky, deliciously buttered mashed potatoes, and of course we got to have a veggie so why not corn? Right? So I go to the store, get all the things I need, hustle back home, finish up another art project, a little birthday gift for my wife.
And this great feeling, this motivation and drive that I’m feeling it’s great. I’m very happy that I finished part 2 of Forget-Me-Naught. More than excited that I was actually able to not completely but turn in something that more or less needs to be turned in just for the capstone that I have at the end of the year, and make sure that I was able to run over to the store, pick up everything, and get back to the house in time before my son gets here.
Side note: I don’t have a driver’s license, and I walk everywhere, due to my health this is something that is just a reality not great but whatever.
Now here’s the thing, when you’re diagnosed with multiple sclerosis you’re given this montage of all the things that are going to happen to you depending on life, as most MSers, I’ve noticed everybody has different symptoms, some are relatable, others not so much. One of the things is mobility, this is a most relatable of issues I have found with the app most MSers use, called AboveMS. Walking. How about that? F****** walking, this is simple task, an almost archaic way of getting about, it’s now a trial effort every f****** day. So when I wake up and I’m feeling okay and the morning start getting everybody ready and out the door to school and work, if that hour hour and a half duration, I’m not dealing with bumping anything, tripping, falling, losing feelings or control of legs, I take it as a good one. And for the most part I can continue on through my day, today that’s not the case.
I’m exhausted and I’m very nervous that the exhaustion is going to leak into tomorrow, which has another range of plans set for tomorrow, I pray that the energy stays, that the motivation is somehow hidden inside and only revealed tomorrow morning.
Editing this, it’s not. The next day that is it hell fire on the spine and bones. Being 33 and dealing with those kind of pains, especially knowing a lot of these pains are felt by people in a geriatric stage of their lives, just has me so excited for graying out, fading out, God I’m f****** tired.
So I’ve been kind of tilting the Jung theories, and I do believe in them and I do have faith in them as I feel that they will definitely help me. But when taking care of the mind and body and making sure they’re in sync, dealing with the above mentioned, it creates this odd stew of Life sewage. There’s moments where you want to celebrate but there’s the knowledge of knowing that the celebration may hinder everything after, I have weeds billowing out of my half circle in the front yard, I want to get them all taken out, and I’m going to, but then I have to plan ahead not just for getting the weeds, but for how is that going to affect my body for the next day and the next day in the day after that. These are factors that I hate to address, I guess it’s more of a nuisance and the new ones of knowing the effect action and energy use takes on the body. It’s a toll and it’s a toll that isn’t just $1.25 spare change from the f****** car kind of situation it’s a days worth of energy, a day’s worth of painting, of writing, of school work, house duties and so on. Which calls to making more plans, stretching out things, making sure that everything is lined up so I can make sure I take care of myself, and not bring the anger or irritation or anxiety of doing for others the way I like to do. Because truly, I love taking care of my family, I love cooking a meal getting really into it, setting the table, And when everybody comes to eat, instead of chit chat which I love, they are silent not because they don’t want to talk but because the food is too good to pause. These things bring joy. The same way taking care of my son everyday and being with him everyday brings Joy they’re necessities. It’s the planning, the planning and the arranging, the making sure I’ve got the time. And though on my Memento Mori app I have it set for I think 12 more years of life to be lived, I’m hoping for more, depending on the spinal tap we’ll see if it’s less. Who knows?
It’s life though, one thing that I try to be aware of, everybody’s different, everybody’s life is set for their own path, their own destination, their own journey. And I wish you all well.
C’est La Vie
Good night and good morning, good morning and good night. May you truly have a beautiful day, gracious and awesome night and may your rest and peace be gentle and forever. Till tomorrow.
Nosce Te Ipsum
Dream Dark Stories 