To continue the commentary of a fizzling and straining relationship, though perhaps it’s not fair to neglect a rebuttal from the other side, though, knowing her, she likely won’t read it, hasn’t read any of it, and won’t bother.
Anyhow, if you’re familiar with the Google feed or ‘Discovery’ you know that if permissions granted the items shared coincide with life and the life path you’re walking through. Recently I’ve been getting tags with click bait lines such as “are you being manipulated?”, “8 ways to see through gaslighting and how to counter”, and so on. Occasionally I’ll take a look, skim through and brush it off, but the more relaxed I’ve become and the more I’ve noticed I grow, they’ve been almost jagged with the implications and direction. Case in point : If someone is playing mind games with you, they’ll display these 7 subtle behaviors. As found on Geediting.com, mind you I’m well aware of credibility and how to properly research data especially for the topic. This one is more of an op-ed piece and it’s due to that and the willingness to release the writers own circumstances and moments of clarity, though there’s little to any concrete evidence, I too appreciate the rawness of the article and the sincerity of it but know I need to walk tentatively regarding non verified and substantiated publications.
Though my actions from our past together were deplorable and full of dishonor to both her and myself, I grew. I pleaded that change and showing an accountability daily, hourly, and to the last iota of all I am. This became a mantra that I’d stare aloud and with complete conviction. This was met with a “We’ll see.” Or a shoulder scrunch and a snicker while I did all I could to show my heart was here for her and only her. We tried, and I tried again, I’d fall, and be reminded of my shortcomings, my faults and how I can’t change. So it goes.
I still try and my heart aches. I cannot face myself without knowing, addressing, and being accountable, and responsible for those actions, my stupidity, and I walk with a fear stepping on shells, saying it wrong…
Which brings me to a question? If you love someone, you assimilate right? You learn the lingo, the idiosyncrasies, and the odd styles and needs of their daily life that you adapt and do what can be done to pay tribute to the originality of who that person is and in doing so there’s a silent sharing of love that is shown through actions. At least these were my thoughts, but surely and too slowly maybe I’d been finding that it’s a choice to want to change, it’s a choice to how we see, what window of perception we choose to view through and how we decide what we see affects us. How much control will you give the world in affecting your difference, and the originality that makes you you? And who is the one who doesn’t need a vin diagram or chart to explain who you are and who you’re becoming? Do they show the patience?
Or is it a see it my way, do it my way, because I’m right and you’ve shown you’re always wrong?
I think of Vonnegut, I think of his wife, and then I lean into the memoir I’m writing for my friend John, and I think of love and look inside my window of space for love and…it sits heavy, and I take a breathe, choking midway while I whisper “I Love You” and think if it’s true for her to me, me to her. Have we fallen into a paradigm?
Hi-ho
Good Morning, Good night. Goodnight, Good morning.
Nosce Te Ipsum
Dream Dark Stories 