I’d say sorry but I don’t know, we’re all human, we make mistakes, and depending on medications we deal with depression. That’s where I’m at right now, I am pretty sure I’ve been dealing with depression since probably the second or third week after my first infusion. There are times where I feel okay and then other times overly emotional overly moved however I know I’m a sappy person I know I moved by the wind if it’s just right or the right sound in a song or a cute heart touching moment between father-son mother-daughter family what have you anything having to do with the wonderful perspectives of love and life shared that moves me but I don’t know there’s a pit. And that pit just slowly feels like it’s gaining momentum enough that it’s even messing with my time, not time dilation or any issue like that. However, observing just my reality, I don’t know, maybe it is time dilation or an observance of things expected to be faster or slower. Again that notorious thing I’m going to say consistently and likely incessantly for people who do read continuously with me I don’t know. And god do I wish I did know.
I had my brother-in-law come over and paint. side note: I’m not his biggest fan, and it came from his direct request to paint with me.
Now for me painting is an unleashing from whatever is holding me, whether it be my own doubts, fears, anxieties, what have you. Painting, writing,and art help me transcend beyond those aggravating circumstances that just come with life.
And so I gave him what he needed, canvas,acrylics, paint brushes,some cups of water, gave him some details to make sure he didn’t do, just to make sure that what he was envisioning would be able to be produced on canvas. I set myself apart outside of the art studio and sat painting the face that I’ve shared a few times and I felt… nothing.
I still love the art, I still love making art, I just feel like I’m falling in a hole and it just feels that it is getting bigger and wider. I’ve got a laxed spouse who will chime in on knowing depression is a side effect of the Ocrevus and that’ll be that. And the brother who will probably share an ear or a meaningful apology for whatever I’m dealing with but I just feel lost and I’m not lost. At least I have my goals, I have my projects, my school work, those assignments documented. I have everything being recorded or noted in my passion planner I don’t know.
Anyhow the painting time was alright, music clouded the air, B.I.L finished his piece, and there was still a stagnancy to the day. Looking for points of brightness where the darkness shrouds and just trying to figure it out day by day.
Good morning, Good night, Good night, Good morning.
Nosce Te Ipsum
Dream Dark Stories 